The Venus Wars CPM 104 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles Released: 11/03/1998 Reviewed: 02/28/2006

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The Venus Wars is a special thing. A movie from 1989, or the "Golden Era" as I'd like to hear it called. Sit me down with something pre-1990 and I'll almost assuredly enjoy it to near orgasmic proportions. Sound a bit farfetched? This feature didn't make a liar out of me. The ridiculous tank and bike designs, all those characters with square jaws, the farfetched plot and laughable situations are all my cup of tea. Want to consider destroying one tank from the invading army a huge coup and a total victory for your group? I'll be there watching every second intently while visions of Billy Idol play in my head. I'm a product of the 80's in Japan as much as America, these are my anime roots. They don't make cartoons like this anymore. I don't want to sound like one of those old fogeys, bragging about how things were better in their times and all, but if this movie is any indication... they were. Venus Wars is a fancy fun romp, with nary a maid or boob joke in sight. Just old fashioned sci-fi action with all the excessive action and nonsensical plot hooks that come part and parcel with the genre. There's a redheaded girl that looks sultry as sin and, quite frankly, that's all I need.

I can understand that you, discerning viewer that you are, might require just a bit more than a spunky punk girl with a bit part. Let me give you a bit of the skinny on this hour and a half treatise on space exploration. In 2003 an ice planet collided with Venus. Fifteen years after that the first colonists started their grueling task of converting the water to nontoxic forms and extracting oxygen to build an atmosphere. Now, in 2089, there are two competing nations on Venus, Ishtar and Aphrodia. We're given the point of view of Susan Somers, a reporter from the independent press who's just arrived in Aphrodia's capital with the intent of getting the hot scoop on the impending war. On the other side of the... cookie... there's Venus' sport of choice, Roller Biking. Weird uni-bikes compete against each other in a most brutal fashion in this strange adaptation that is reminiscent of Sega's Road Rash combined with drag racing. We're barely introduced to our protagonist Hiro before Ishtar's blitzkrieg breaks out, and within the span of a day the characters are swept up into a conflict that most of them only want to escape. It kinda reminds me of Akira, but only this one has a lot more of that sweet, succulent bike action that Otomo's movie just teased you with.

What do you do in a world where Camel cigarettes are traded like gold? Ask any prison inmate and he'll tell you to smash a chair over your head the first day so everyone will think you're crazy and won't go after your Hostess Pies. There's nothing more important in life than fake fruit filling, that's a fact you should keep quite clear. On Venus they have no fruit pies, which is pretty sad, but what's more sad is it's never explained how food is even produced on Venus. The whole lack of life sustaining nutrients thing gave rise to Joel and I inventing the national sandwich of the planet's inhabitants. The Venus sandwich, dirt and bread. Because if there's one thing you always have too much of it's dirt... and you just can't make a sandwich without bread. But the Venusians get by... the have to! They're so busy evading corrupt cops and looking so goddamn intense (and hot!) that they can't be bothered to spend their time worrying about piddling things like food. You won't worry either, because your attention is completely consumed by the virulent badassery that's thrown about this film like pure spun whorls of delicious cotton candy. Clasp your hands together and pray that this movie never ends, because the rest of your life is only gonna be a downward spiral from here on in.

Really, the only problem I have with the movie is bizarre screenshots like this. More grating than even inappropriate, obvious CG, throwing cartoons onto a live action background is just so... gauche. Maybe the animators don't realize it, but nobody likes that. The only possible explanations I can think of is that the people that do this are 1) Retarded or 2) Really lazy. If it's lazy I can totally excuse it. I don't like to do work either and if I could slap in live footage and save myself from hand drawing a bunch of stuff then there's not a single doubt in my mind that I would. Complaints like that are all I can muster too. Small potatoes from a grumpy anime fan, usually I do better! Venus Wars is generally ridiculous, but I know you won't let that stomp on your fun. You'll find yourself yelling at the characters to run away, use the machine gun on the back of their bike, or to stop bitching because the bullet GRAZED their leg. But that's really where all the appeal lies in classic Sci-Fi anime. Realists mind find this a bit too much, but it's all in good fun. Sci-Fi war action somewhere in-between the semi-realistic A.T. Votoms and the in your face(!!!) bonkers behavior that comprises great robot dramas like Mazinger Z. If you can keep the befuddled look off your face when the military decides that having guts is more important than any sort of silly thing like training then I think you'll find a welcome home in this film. Also SO HOT.