Vampire Hunter D

80 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
10/17/2000

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There's nothing quite like the feeling of absolutely ripping voraciously into a work that someone's spent their whole life on. For every crappy show that comes out here you can bet someone back in Japan poured their blood, sweat and tears into in. Someone stayed up late at night painstakingly animating each little jiggle of the chick with the enormous rack. So yeah, sometimes I get a bit of conscience in me about totally lambasting something they spent a few years of their life on. But give me a break, sometimes it's just so easy! Point me in the direction of a bad show and I'm like a pirahna. I'll skeletize that cow in under half a minute.

But sometimes it's a little harder than that. You've probably noticed that my reviews go in two directions. The "funny" ones (or at least, attempts to be funny) about the terrible shows and the ones I give a "5" to which basically just spirals into me gushing about the show until even I'M sick of it and never end up watching it again. See? You people are the reason that I don't watch anime anymore. Indirectly, because you read them, I effuse to the high heavens about how good it is. Then when I'm done I'm like "Hey, it's a fucking cartoon." and I can't even look at its case up on the wall without feeling like I need to void my rheum.

(Hot hot lesbian lust going on in this scene!)

There's a third category though, one that you don't see very much. I am, of course, talking about the lesser known category of the "lower 3". I know that a 3's a 3, but there are high threes and there are low threes and Vampire Hunter D is without a doubt a low three. It's a movie so average in every way that it's almost impossible to say anything about it good or bad. For once you'll be getting a review of an old school anime that's not clouded by nostalgia. Consider this preparation for the 5 I'm going to give Lily C.A.T. should it ever come to the fabulous realm of the DVD.

D is, appropriately, a vampire hunter. There's other hunters too, like werewolf hunter and mist monster hunter and even oversized plant hunters but all together they don't hold a candle to your run of the mill vampire hunter. D is kind of like the Bounty of hunters and everyone else is "Leading brand". He absorbs three times as many evil monsters and costs half as much! This isn't entirely true, but I just put it there to give you some sense of scope. I don't know how much these vampire hunters cost, but if the movie is any indication then their fee is generally one virgin poontang.

Hey, don't look at me, I'm not the one who made it up. All I know is the chick in this must have a cooze like melted toffee because everyone in the damn show is trying to get at it. I don't really get it, she's overly agressive and just plain mean sometimes, and then when she's in trouble she breaks out the waterworks. Feh, if a chick's gonna be tough then she has to be tough all the time. I want to see her trying to chew through her own bonds! When you think about it, this is actually an ingenious move on the part of the director. See, because short people (especially short girls) always seem to be angry and yell at you like they've got something to prove. This girl doesn't need a vampire marriage, she needs a short term psychology session!

And D needs to get a new hand, because the face just isn't doing it for me. Though, Andrew and I had quite a bit to say about it and how it made D seem to swing to the "other side". All I know is I'm not sleeping with a guy every night, and that long hair doesn't help either. Forget about that though. Every time I watch this movie I always remember how when I was a kid, I thought that D had a talking sword. And you know what? A talking sword makes a hell of a lot more sense than a talking HAND THAT EATS DIRT!

Maybe that's just me though. I mean, it's obvious that not a lot is supposed to make sense. In the year 12,000 mankind has forgotten how to make refridgerators and cars but they're popping out robot horses like a pilgrim woman makes babies. The best part is, that's only the craziest thing if you ignore the evil dinosaurs roaming around the country side. Dinosaurs certainly got tough over the years too, because these ones aren't getting killed by a meteor. They don't even die when their head gets cut off!

And that's a power I'd like to have! That, and a robot horse to ride around on. You know, every time I watch this movie I think it's over halfway through. You've got to think about it like I do. The girl's kidnapped, D's going to save her, there's the heroic music playing as he slays the beasts in the castle. Then he saves the girl and the movie doesn't end. On the contrary the same thing happens again in the same way. It's like Legend of Zelda, that damn princess is always in trouble! So instead of a whole movie it's kind of like you're getting two episodes of Vampire Hunter D : The bitch who just wouldn't stay uncaptured. I think that's probably why I gave it a 3.