The Slayers #1 CPM 140 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 09/19/2000

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Freakin' high episode counts. Nothing scares a guy away like watching six or seven episodes of anime in one sitting without having someone to make sly comments with. Nine episodes of Outlaw Star with Joel and the crew is no problem, but six or seven of one of the most well known animes this side of Istanbul? Needless to say I was a bit worried, Slayers is something I've seen probably a total of two episodes of before I decided to steel myself and start actually watching it. Let me tell you, friends, I don't know why I kept buying fantasy anime stuff back in the day. I don't like it. Ever. But I keep buying it. This all hearkens back to the undeniable fetishism I have for buying things for no other reason than buying them. In ancient Mayan times a curse was placed on my bank account wherein it was never allowed to have more than $100 in it at one time (barring rent money, which was exempt). Therefore the blame for my overspending on stuff I not only don't need, but don't want is not to be placed on me, but on a group of pre-Civilization South Americans who may or may not have participated in human sacrifice.

Technically these discs are useless. You see, I don't often mention on disc quality because my TV was manufactured slightly before water was invented, but audio is something I've got down pat with my Dolby 5.1 system. Imagine my surprise when I flipped to the Japanese track and COULDN'T HEAR ANYTHING. I'd always thought "reverse phase audio" just meant the left and right speakers were switched. Once I turned off surround everything was right with the world, except all the sound came out of my right speaker. When Mediablasters had the same blunder on the Japanese track of the first disc of Rurouni Kenshin, THEY fixed it. Central Park Media was content to just dick the fans over. Their solution? Offer the chance to get all 13 subbed VHS of Slayers for $20 if you give them your receipt. Do you realize what an utter crap this deal is? They fuck up and not only are they making you pay, they're making you pay for VHS! There are no plans that I have heard for this boxed set to ever be redone (Please note that this was written about a year before CPM offered a more equitable redress. And I was much more of an inflammatory cock back then). High episode counts or not it's still crap. Why, you ask? Because I have to listen to Lisa Ortiz. As I always say, I'm sure Lisa is a perfectly kind, jovial, lovable girl, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not a big fan of her voice, especially when compared to the favorite of anime fan's wet dreams Megumi Hayashibara. Fair enough, since I saw Saber Marionette J I've been slightly more inclined towards Miss Hayashibara, but the legions of her fans take it just a bit too far. But hey, that's what closeted pimple freaks do best.

Lina Inverse has been described as "short on stature, big on charms". The self-named Bandit Killer goes around stealing from the bad guys and giving to herself and leaving a fairly nice trail of destruction in the way. She's kind of like Robin Hood mixed with the Dirty Pair, if you want to think of it that way.** So after the opening thrashing of a lucrative bandit hideout she heads off to sell her new treasures. The problem is, she's set upon by the remaining bad guys from the gang she just blew to hell. This wouldn't really be a problem if it wasn't for our other main character, Gourry, showing up to save the day. Lina, of course, does not need saving... but she leaves the big dumb guy to do his work and plays the part of the damsel in distress. She then becomes quite irate when he mistakes her from a little girl and comments on her bust size Everybody knows about this running gag, and here's my theory. The Japanese have been living in a country where the women have REALLY small breasts... therefore anime is their escape. Although Lina is a perfectly well proportioned woman with a very nice rack, the characters call her flat chested because the writers have nothing but their fantasy world of huge tits to fall back on.

One thing that Lina and Gourry don't realize that one of the treasure's in Lina's sizable booty (unfortunately not the kind of booty that grinds to the likes of EU's Doin' the Butt) is an artifact that can bring about the resurrection of the Dark Lord Shabranigdo. The faithful adventurers have to deal with struggle after struggle as they try and prevent the revival of one of the greatest evils in the world. But what do they do when it's Lina's "time of the month"? Didn't you know, sorceresses get a bit rougher than a little blood and some cramps... which is awful. Thanks a lot for bring that up, Slayers. So, what do I think of Slayers? I thought it was... alright, I guess. It's nothing in-depth and even the "we have to save the world!" plot feels pasted on. But Slayers was marketed as a kids show. Still, I couldn't help but enjoy at least a few of the one liners. Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty trashy. Trash or not, though, it's probably got the best use of Super Deformed animation I've ever scene. As a comedy series, I probably like it a lot more than nine tenths of the other anime comedies out there... but that ain't saying a lot. I suppose if it was air dropped to me on a desert island and I was all out of monkeys to bash with coconuts. Then it'd have a shot.

**NB: Slayers/Lina Inverse has absolutely nothing to do with either Robin Hood or the Dirty Pair.