Samurai Deeper Kyo #1

125 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
06/24/2003

You know, now that I've got Viewtiful Joe I don't do much of anything non-Sentai related anymore. That's okay with me, but sometimes you just need a little change up. That's why we're here right now. It's five in the morning and after a two hour struggle with the man known only as "Inferno Lord: Fire Leo" (as if that deserved the 'only' qualifier!) I've go so much adrenaline pumping through my veins that there's no way I'm getting to sleep anytime soon. So please, allow me to regale you with wonderful stories of my experiences with the (relatively) newly released Samurai Deeper Kyo.

Anime's a lot like everything else I'm doing right now, I rarely have any time to watch NEW anime, so I generally hope that every other week when I take the time to watch a show I've never seen before that it's going to be another Cowboy Bebop so I can run screaming out to my nearest Suncoast (or other competing B&M store) and grab it, laying waste to whatever foolish employee of said store might think it a good idea to get in my way while I wrap my hands on that pretty little package.

Oh don't cry little Suncoast employees, I'm only kidding... I'd never buy my DVDs at retail price, that'd be stupid. I know you're a little worried about the threats of murderous rage but I feel I have every reason to be angry after you SOLD US BROKEN MERCHANDISE YOU JERKS. But forget that, the main concern about Samurai Deeper Kyo and how it fails as an entertaining show (despite the brief inclusion of Sho Hayami).

Samurai Deeper Kyo is the story of Demon Eyes Kyo, a wanted man who killed a whole bunch of people and is now facing off with a possibly long time rival Kyoshiro at the battle of Sekigahara (hey Japan, we know that was a sweet battle and all, but you may've had at least one more in your thousand years of history, right? Maybe just one more?). Then a giant and terribly animated meteor strikes the battle ground and everything goes all crazy for about fifteen seconds.

All of a sudden, flash forward four years. Kyoshiro is a wandering herbalist/pervert that runs into a lady in trouble and decides to save her from... well, something. I was out of the room at this point, but the gist of it is he looks up her skirt and everyone has a good time, except the girl who just gets pissed off (of course, this is all assumptions, but I'm willing to bet I've got a pretty good chance of being correct). Suddenly there's this snake guy causing trouble and out pops Kyo. But where from? Well, according to him, he's been living inside Kyoshiro for all this time and he's only now decided to show his side of the personality to get himself some of that sweet 'snake killing action'.

Now we've got the guy who's a total dick to everyone and the huge pervert mashed together into one character. I'd almost ague that this is a good thing, because the creators don't have to waste two characters on such stupid throwaway roles. This is specious logic, these characters shouldn't have existed in the first place, ever, in anything! What's more, I find myself having trouble giving even the slightest compliment to this show because of this issue.

Kyo kills all his enemies (one per episode) in the exact same fashion. They say he's weak, he makes his sword go shiny (this step is optional) they repeat a VERY similar frame of him swinging his super laser sword down, some kanji scrolls up the screen (Why?) and the demon explodes. Then Kyo says "You heard it too, the voice of the wind". Then I make some pithy comment (or something I'd assume is a pithy comment) and Jerry mentions how much I like tousled hair, and how much he likes the ninja girl, then Joel makes an rather girlish punching sound while swinging at Jerry with a hand ensconced in the bag for Skabla's camera. This, like the fight scene (if you can even call them that. Kyo never does anything except the one move) was the same every time, for five episodes.

Look, I'm a big fan of historical fiction when they at least try to stick a little, tiny bit to the facts. If you wanted to maybe tell me a story about a samurai at Sekigahara who later goes on to, I don't know, build a turnip patch or tend for magical dwarves that'd be fine with me. But please don't tell me that a GIANT ROCK landed in the middle of Japan's most important battle without anyone remembering it AND without it, I don't know, destroying all of Japan in the process. And for the love of god, don't act like Hide Tokugawa was a freaking PIRATE, because obviously if he was then Japan would've been a lot more awesome. Pirates and meteors, sadly, are only the beginning of Kyo's problems.