Sakura Diaries #4

ADV

60 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
02/27/2001

Sakura Diaries has always been this pesky thorn in my side, opening up doors that I don't particularly like opened. You know this, as I've mentioned before in these short snippets from my life I introduce to you here. I only like two romance shows, and by like I mean 'don't have an entirely negative reaction to them'. This is a huge step up from my usual distaste of all things coming from Japan that have to do with sex (it can be argued that this is not a totally unfounded stance on the matter). But then again, I'm pretty sure the reason is that Sakura Diaries is less ridiculous and less exploitative than most of the competition.

Yeah, I know, I thought it'd be pretty funny if I said that while there's two little (naked) Super Deformed characters bathing each other's unmentionables. So, take what I say with a (rather large) grain of salt. To say Sakura Diaries is less exploitative is not to say that it's NOT exploitative, becuase I don't think any show where characters trade pubic hair for good luck could avoid being refered to as such. Think of it this way, if you were robbed of three dollars you'd probably feel less bad than if your dirty 'friend' absconded with your 401k and spent it all on Thai whores in a Cambodian Prison camp. How they got the Thai whores there is a question only Sambo can answer.

And I'd imagine that the only answer he's likely to give you is a shiv between your third and fourth vertebraes. So yeah, compared to that Sakura Diaries isn't that bad. What IS bad is ADV's treatment of the DVD cases. I mentioned that two of the covers were nice looking and kind of cool, this is not one of them. Also, what's up with the little catch phrases on them? "There's a reason they put a lock on it!" What does that mean?! For three years I've been trying to decipher that little nugget of wisdom. Now, I'd imagine it has something to do with the sexual context of the show, and that's what makes me nervous. When it comes down to it, for all my trying, I don't think I WANT to know what it means. Not if it's about weird sex stuff anyway.

Then agian, like the dub, it might just be more nonsensical crap made to appeal to us, the audience. It doesn't work, but at least the dub has some fairly competent acting, its script sure isn't going to win it any awards. Martin Burke as Touma is probably one of the first times I've ever really liked him in a role, though any female character in this show is immediately black balled because they're made to say things like "You go girl!" and "Oh no he didn't!" Thusly I cannot exactly judge them on the competence of their preformance when they're all forced to act like the Jerry Springer ghetto trash of the world just for a paycheck. Urara and Kohmi girls, my heart goes out to you.

Though I give no quarter to Mieko, the character anyway, who seems to still be kind of a bitch even when she's having a revelation about how much of a bitch she is (that's a freaking paradox!). Now, I think a lot of people were probably upset when they watched it because of its total non-ending. Were one of these people to approach me (to do so, I'd have to invent a TIME MACHINE to go back to when this show got released and people actually cared about it) I would confront them, and tell them to write a better ending. I think the strength in the ending of Sakura Diaries is exactly that it's so very vague. It also helps that they use the badass guitar version of my urgent violent song over a montage, that always scores big points to me.
But the ending isn't supposed to be straight out, I don't think, because that's not what the show was about. Learning not to be so focused on achieving point A or goal B was never really the key concept. So, when the last episode does nothing more than give me the impression that everyone's starting to work things out, I can be happy with that. And nobody even got naked! Well, one girl did have someone feel her tits to get a secret note in her bikini...that was a bit much. What ever happened to the days when people would just sit on their feelings until they got an ulcer from all the jealousy and nobody's cousin had to feel up another cousin just to figure things out?

I guess they're long gone, in Japan at least but that's okay, because one country's sick fetishes give another country some pretty managable shows about what it's like to be a 19 year old virgin growing up. I like to call it "Nerd: The Leon DeMassi Story", but I'm afraid that the man in question might beat me to a bloody pulp now that he's dieted and buffed up a little, while I'm still the same 6'2, 200 pounds that I've been for the past six years. Much like that young Leon though, Touma is the embodiment of all of us (all of us that watch anime at least). Not tough, not cool, really horny (debatable if you're not my suitmate Kyle) and totally obsessed with porn involving tentacles or other semi-phallic objects (once again, debatabe if you're not Kyle).

So what did Sakura Diaries teach me? Never buy vitamin drinks, never exchange pubic hair, never let a sixteen year old girl masquerading as a prostitute attempt to have sex with you, and never trust leggy red heads with Japanese names, because that's just crazy and any geneticist would tell you it's impossible. I know this, because I once dated a geneticist and she blinded me with it. She blinded me with SCIENCE!** Also, I learned that it's okay to be a moron as long as you try your hardest, but it's not okay to play sports unless you're really good at them. U-Jin might be some porn obsessed freak that I have no desire to meet in any scope of the words "real life", but the man makes a realistic point all the same. I will fail my classes, I will suck at sports, and maybe I'll go and give that cousin of mine a call...

**No she didn't. There was no geneticist. Though now that I think about it, I'm sort of imagining this really hot scientist chick.