Read Or Die

90 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
05/27/2003

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Prepare for reviews to get really freaking long. Through some strange twist of fate I've been given a laptop that, in the words of Andrew "I totally don't deserve". And you know what, I probably don't. I know it's got a gig a memory and like sixty thousand megahertz of something in it and the battery lasts for about six hours. It's a real shame I'm probably never going to use it for anything more than typing up reviews or cropping images but that seems to be about par for the course when it comes to computers. The first thing I want to know about computers (you know, when Andrew gives me a new one) is how well it can play DVDs. You know, it's not because I watch DVDs on them but because I take screenshots. After that, I want to know if it has notepad and more importantly, Solitare. I hear you can play video games on these kind of things, but I wouldn't know. Anyway, this thing has a resolution of like 1400xA MILLION so when I'm typing up these things they look really small, but come out absolutely gigantic. I don't know if you should be happy or scared because of this. I figure it's best to let you guys figure it out for yourselves.
So here's to my brother, who note only gives me a computer that's probably worth more than my very own life is, but takes me out drinking the very same night entirely on his dollar. What a night it was too, let me tell you. I might've come home and puked my guts out in the tub and went to bed before midnight but I'm going to hold to my story that I was sick. Not only that, but there was something "not right" with those chicken wings that bartender kept plying me with. Despite the interesting conversations held with my brother and his friend one part of the night really stuck out. Readers, I almost made a mistake that we've all done a few times and nothing short of Dave Tarampi's quick (but likely unknowing) wit saved me from myself. I was about to talk to a chick who was...shall we say, not the most attractive woman I could've possibly set my sights on.

I know you're looking for a lead in and let me see if I can scrounge one up for you. For some reason my curiosity is generally piqued by things that other people would put off as just too weird for their own tastes. An interesting hat, for example, or a cool hair cut. And god forbid that fine specimen of the female form is wearing a choker or some other form a neck gear, because then they'll be getting more play than the hispanic kid in my second semester Statistics class, though I doubt that the fine ladies I describe would be as appreciative of the attentions as my dear friend Frederico was.

But that's okay, because you can't blame a guy for trying. The point I'm really trying to make is that unusual interests me, and so when I first heard about Read or Die sometime last year I couldn't help but be a little intrigued. Jerry's not always the best guide for good anime (I've still not forgotten Senior year Computer class you Filipino bastard. Fuck you Kite!) but I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt, because any man that could introduce me to something as cool as Voltes V or Kamen Rider Black has more tricks up his bastard Filipino sleeve than he might let on on your first go over. Rabid appeal it was getting from Jerry and the legion of anime dorks that I tend to try and ignore/contradict at every turn aside, I was more interested in this show than a dog humping your favorite stuffed animal. There were problems though, problems abound. I refuse to watch fansubs, for example and I don't have the money right now to spend on food let alone frivolous DVD purchases.

First and foremost, though, I knew that it was being released by Manga Entertainment. Now, longtime readers of this site understand that if there's one thing I don't like about anime it's gratuitous tit shots, but secondly the thing I don't like about anime is Manga (Keith Burgess aside) and it's craptacular DVD releases. To be honest though, I've been out of the loop for some serious time and too be one hundred percent entirely truthful I haven't read an anime site that wasn't my own in going on two years now. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel like they've turned over a new leaf or something with this one. The transfer looks about as good as it's gonna when you consider that I've got a 20" TV that's nearly half as old as I am. Sound is quality, and people know that I'm generally more of an audio fan. But what really caught be is the little biographies on the characters in the end. I haven't taken to watching extras, but Jerry absolutely forced us to read through a few of them and it's actually pretty cool when you consider the context of the show.

As for the show itself, I don't know. Weird gets me started, but much like the ladies there's only so long I can stay because of a little personality quirk. I'm not saying that Read or Die went balls to the wall crazy after a night of good sex and started talking about getting married while being bathed in the blood of infants under the full moon and screaming praises to the Wiccan god of fertility. Read or Die was more subtle, like the kind of girl who would take a safety pin and put little holes in all your condoms. She might be hot, she might be a monster in the sack, but you really don't know if you want to hang around with someone like that for any kind of extended duration.

(Mexican Clone Standoff! Crazy bi-sexual chicks are okay with me!)

So yeah, Read or Die is freakin' weird. But it's not weird in the way anime I hate generally is, it's kind of laid back, kind of cool and has some of that music over action I've been longing for. Yomiko Readman is a stupid character (who never showers!), with a stupid power (the ability to control paper) which gets them into stupid situations (such as flying in a giant paper airplane). Miss Deep is the sultry one in the body suit with the ability to pass through solid matter. Yet, somehow she gets pipes and crap stuck into her like every episode. In the first one she fell THROUGH the Statue of Liberty without a problem. I mean, is there something I'm missing here people?

But she's hot, even if she's not very naturally proportioned. Even the lesbian subtext (which is overplayed enough that I'm pretty sure "subtext" isn't a valid term) isn't as vapid as it generally is in shows such as this. I mean, the two main characters aren't getting naked in front of each other and then taking on an underaged chick that also gets naked. That's just plain gross, but what's even more gross is the fact that Yomiko never cleans herself once in this span of three episodes. Frankly, anyone who fantasizes about those shy bookworm kind of characters has something wrong in their brain, give me a dumb girl with good hygenie over a smart one any day. In the end, I don't know what to tell you about Read or Die. It has its moments and it has its very, very bad moments. One thing I will give the creators credit is that they really make this thing feel like an OVA and not a really short TV series, which is a rarity and something I haven't seen since the likes of Bubblegum Crisis. But really, when it all comes down, all I know is that we should've killed the Beethoven guy the first time around. It would've given us a hell of a lot less to deal with.