Ranma 1/2: Nihao My Concubine Pioneer 60 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 10/06/1998

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Right from the get-go I'll admit that I've never really cared for Ranma. Then again, if you're reading these reviews in any sort of chronological order then you already know what I'm talking about. Fair enough, I've never heard of anyone doing the whole "Man turns into girl turns into panda turns into duck turns into pig"-thing, but I'm starting to get this sinking feeling in my gut that would suggest that there's probably a reason for that. I guess a guy turning into a panda when he gets hot water poured on him is pretty impressive the first time around, but it's not hard to get tired of it... and fast! And, you know, I really just don't tend to dig on what Rumiko Takahashi puts out. It's not that I hate the woman, but I saw Ranma when it was Urusei Yatsura and at least back then the crazy mix-ups involved aliens and space punk biker chicks, neither of which is to be found here, yet the series still manages to span more than a hundred episodes and quite a few movies. Somehow this woman has the ability to drag out everything she makes into this epic saga where there's absolutely no character development or speck of an interesting plot. I know, I know, I'm just as perturbed as you are. What I'm saying is, the woman's gimmicks are never enough to keep something interesting. Shit, Lupin doesn't really stay interesting for a hundred and fifty episodes. What chance does Ranma have?

Not a snowball's in hell, that's what! The basic plot is indistinguishable from the prior movie. Akane and a whole bunch of other girls have be kidnapped and now it's up to Ranma and his cadre of useless-but-lovable friends to try and find a way to save them. Only this time all the girls are in bikinis or really sultry evening dresses that are awesome. I know I'm a tool, but there's always a bitchy chick for me to latch onto in these shows and I'll be damned if Nabiki Tendo doesn't fit the bill. Not exactly the moral, upstanding lady you might want in your normal life... I still like to think we'd be able to work something out if it really came down to it. And who's their captor this time? Well, despite what the picture below would have you believe, it's not the giant octopus from Legend of the Mystical Ninja, which is unfortunate. The movie might've actually been good if that was the case. No, it's another ten year old boy who needs to get married for whatever reason and kidnaps girls against their will. You know my stance when something CRIBS FROM ITSELF and this is not exception. Rumiko Takahashi, I hate you.

Expect that to soon become my mantra, as there's a lot of things to hate. You might think that this movie, as far as fan-service goes, is pretty light fare and maybe you're right. There's only one scene of animated nudity, which is actually a low mark for many of the shows out there right now. This is a very relative statement though. When watching this in a crowded airport terminal on my laptop with the window sized down to about 128x128 I still felt like someone was gonna come up, look over my shoulder, and summarily declare me a pervert. This may or may not have been followed by my eternal soul being cast down to hell, but I think it's safe to assume that that would've been the case. Rumiko Takahashi, why do you torment me so? And, frankly, even at sixty minutes, this movie was practically too boring for me to stand. You know what that means and it's a terrible state of affairs for you, dear reader, that I have the wonderful Zuma from Popcap Games to keep me entertained, because about halfway through this I totally stopped paying attention. I mean, I'd seen it before, so it's not like it's a big deal, but that's hardly what I'd consider journalistic integrity. There's basically nothing here to appeal to someone like me, aside from the character designs. I actually do think those are pretty slick. Otherwise, Rumiko Takahashi, is there anything in here for me?

Considering the absence of space punk biker chicks, not too much. But, I suppose when it's parceled out in minuscule packages of 60 minute features over the span of about two years, it can actually be pretty bearable. Seriously though, I have to admit I'm pretty confused about a woman who would so cavalierly throw all her female characters into revealing clothes for an hour. That raises all sorts of questions for me that I'm never going to get the chance to have answered which, in turn, is gonna keep me up at night. Rumiko Takahashi, you've ruined my life. If you like Ranma I guess there's nothing here that differs from the norm as not differing from the norm IS the norm for this woman. Just once I'd like to see her commit to a story that was twenty six episodes long, or a two hour feature, that actually had some semblance of an original plot and the vague remnants of what one might consider character development. Is that too much to ask? No, because that's what the idea behind this sort of entertainment boils down to. Rumiko Takahashi, get a clue.