Golgo 13: Queen Bee Urban Vision 60 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 04/17/2001

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My recent bout of enhanced work effort is kind of weirding me out. There's been three reviews in as many days now and I've barely done three reviews in the past three MONTHS. So I'm hoping you're all grateful because between this and Japanese homework I'll soon be a withered up husk on the ground. I want to play my Mario but here I am slaving away. That, and I really pissed off at the stupid blue coins. How I loathe them. See, I've got this plan to make my dorm a little homage to 80's anime. You know, Bubblegum Crisis wallscroll here**, Wicked City poster there, and of course...a bigass one of The Proffesional: Golgo 13. Because Duke Togo is my main man. There's nothing I like more than seeing a bunch of bad people die because a morally indifferent man got paid to kill them. These are the kinds of things I base my life off of. Anyway, I figure I can deal with the embarassment of having a bunch of anime posters in my room considering it already has BUNK BEDs and I'm rooming with PETE SANCHEZ. I don't think it's gonna be the posters that end up being the deal breakers. I'm just saying that they wouldn't exactly be the thing I'm most ashamed of in my room.

But Golgo 13, aka Duke Togo, doesn't have the problems that mortal men like you or I do. Always in the money, always wearing the sleekest in spy stylings, and oozing charm like a fat convention goer sweats, women just fall into his lap. Sometimes I think it's completely by accident too. Like, they'll just be walking along and the next thing they notice they're having sex with a hired killer. And really, can you blame them? If I was a woman I'd be freakin' throwing the stuff at him. And don't say you wouldn't either. This guy's like a rock in the arctic, he's one cool motherfucker. I bet he wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror, and goes "Check, am I frosty?" Wait, no...I take that back. That's what we all want to think he does. Only he's way too cool to need do that. A bullet grazes his cheek no less than -twice- in this movie and he doesn't even flinch. My boy's so cool the temperate drops ten degrees when he's in the room. Centigrade.

He's on the job again. Democratic candidate for president Robert Hardy has been getting some pretty threatening letters in the mail from a woman calling herself Queen Bee. His right hand man, and sleaze extraordinaire, Thomas Waltham picks up Golgo 13 to do the job before things get messier than a farmgirl porno. All he has to do is kill her and assumedly the rebellious country of Comnerro will be crushed, and then there's no more problems with the drug cartel. See, on the campaign trail Mr. Hardy is all about saying nope to dope...however, he doesn't seem to mind taking up a bit of that nose candy once and awhile once he's behind closed doors. And from there it's whacky hijinks and about six sex scenes to the finish line. When it seems like Goglo 13 might not be able to do his job, they send in the "other guy" to take care of business. Good thing the "other guy" is a crazy fucker who ate babies eyeballs in 'Nam. That's just who I want leading a squad of marines.

I don't really need to tell you anything more than that, now do I? It doesn't have giant fighting robots but it knows what to do and it knows how to do it well. With a perfect theme song to boot. Everyone gets their come uppences in the end and Togo makes it out with a fat paycheck. Don't act as if you didn't know that already. Anything else would make me lose my faith in his creators...this is just the kind of show you've got to give the mad props to. Anything with Golgo 13 is like James Bond to the max. The sex is more ridiculous, the gunfights are more graphic, and you can bet someone's going to get the old "fist to the eye" at least once. And that's why I love it. Admittedly I get a little ansty when the door to my room is open and the sounds of a faked climax are echoing through the halls of Hogan House but hey, some things are just worth it. Movies like this are one of them. I'm willing to cut a little slack for some quality faux 80's material and Queen Bee delivers in spades. This is the kind of thing you want to marry and have little cute babies with. Hopefully, with a little luck, those babies will grow up to become the Southeast Asian amoral bastards you've always wanted.

**I know, I know. I might as well just put up a sign saying "I'm a freaking loser". I'd buy a poster if there WERE any.