Desert Punk #1:
Enter the Desert

100 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
Released: 02/28/2006
Reviewed: 02/28/2006

Forget about it. I'm never, ever buying anything because it "looks like it might be good" ever again. Ever. I've completely lost my desire to despoil my wallet at the impulse-laden aisles of a Best Buy. Places like that are fine for buying CD-Rs and the latest Aqua Teen Hunger Force box set, or whatever, but I could probably could count the good experiences in anime that impromptu Best Buy purchases have inspired on one hand. I always go in with the best of intentions, for sure, and I know it's not Best Buy's intent to screw me over. They like my money, without a doubt, and I'm sure there's lots of nefarious deeds they would stoop to in order to get it... I just really hope that Desert Punk isn't one of them. That'd be outright cruel.

I'm left with no one else to blame but myself... or Studio Gonzo for making another crappy (but pretty!) cartoon. Since I've found I rather like myself, it seems the blame is gonna land on Gonzo one more time.

Joel and I love us some Mad Max, Mel Gibson and all, that's "for true" without a doubt. The idea of bounty hunters in a postapocalyptic world rolls off the tongue just like when that delightful Aussie Mel Gibson mouths the word "Guzzo-line". When I graced my fingers over the sleek plastic wrapping of Desert Punk in the place now referred to as "There of my Untimely Demise" Joel was only too excited, exhorting me to grab up the DVD so that we might feast upon the wonderful treats within. What laid in our minds? Pipe dreams of tanker trucks filled with black gold crossing the desert, avoiding nefarious fiends riding ATVs and dirty bikes. Manual loaded crossbows and outrageous punk hairstyles perhaps? It would only be par for the course in our fantasy!

Our dreams were resoundingly dashed from almost the get-go, not even five minutes into the episode and the standard "wild n' krazee!" Japanese humor starts. You know, the tit jokes, the short jokes, the jokes about ugly women, the mugging victims that don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. I had my doubts during the car ride home when I noticed that Gonzo was responsible for the show, but I wanted to try my hardest to give it a fair look. After all, they had their part in Blue Sub No. 6 and that certainly wasn't crap. I figured those guys were about due for something good. Law of averages, right?

So I guess this Desert Punk guy is a bounty hunter, but he's one of those bounty hunters that can't seem to catch a break. You know the type. He's also surprisingly not cutthroat for a guy whose job revolves around killing people. After the renowned Desert Punk lays waste to four score of bandits he's only too happy to let his prize be stolen by a rival soldier for fortune because, get this, she has tits and, stop me if you've heard this one, ass. I kind of think chivalry goes out the door in situations like that. I might let a girl with big breasts cheat off my math test, but stealing away my livelihood is definitely a different matter. She and I would be coming to terms, big rack or no.

That's just how it continues on for four episodes. Almost invariably some girl with big breasts takes advantage of the poor little Desert Punk. Somewhere in Japan there's a cult of fanatics who are totally culled by a pair of boobies that they would sell their house under the influence of such things. That's okay, as long as they're not hurting anyone else they can do whatever they want. The problem, the rest of the story, is that all these fanatics are also animators and can't understand that everyone else in the universe doesn't share their curious predilections. They knock you down and force you to watch their show, assuming that you share their most excellent (and, dammit, righteous god-given) point of view.

Over and over again you're beaten over the head with the fact that the main character, the Desert Punk, is short (and a kid!), that nobody likes him, that he's constantly poor, that he's obsessed with huge breasts. Consider this show, if you're of the mind to do so, like a bootleg version of Trigun. They've got the desert world and the goofy hero that means well but has a bit of a lascivious streak. Said goofy hero, of course, shows moments of unbelievable prowess when it comes to getting down and dirty with the badguys. On the other side of the coin, he can't seem to hold it together when a pretty lady's working her wiles all over him. It's not a direct comparison, sure, but there's a lot to go on.

The reason Desert Punk sucks and Trigun doesn't, even though they have quite a bit in common, is that Desert Punk is perfectly content to try and force the old clichés to work for it time and time again. They're not good clichés, they're not even halfway decent. I couldn't pinpoint when this whole "boob" thing metastasized in anime from a mild fixation to an outright show-consuming fetish, but until I see something that changes my mind I'm gonna say that shows like Desert Punk are never gonna be good. Postapocalyptic setting it might be, but unless it gets its mind out of the second grade gutter and realizes there's more to making entertainment than bandying around terms like "milk bags" and "flesh pillows" it's never gonna be a Road Warrior. It's a shame too. If it wasn't for the jugs, this picture might be kind of cool.