Photon:
The Idiot Adventures

CPM

195 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
11/07/2000

Back To P Listings

Central Park Media has lied to me! They've lied to me through run time! Stating "180 minutes" on the back of the case is more like saying "150 minutes, especially when you skip the intros/endings after the first time". Photon ends up being three hours and fifteen minutes long, though it did take me a grand total of five hours to watch this because I kept falling asleep during episode two and three and forgetting where the hell I stopped watching. I can't decide if I was really tired or I just plain wasn't interested at that point.

That's the thing about Photon, I can't even decide whether I like it or not, so I'm gonna say what I say about all of these six episode collections. I'll probably come back and watch this sometime just for the hell of it. Photon's length is it's blessing and it's curse, unlike most other short OVA series it doesn't rush anything at all, all the characters and events have perfect accord and pace with one another. The thing is, the show definetly feels like it would've made a better two hour movie than three hour OVA and to tell the truth I think I'd actually be more likely to watch it if it were shorter. See? I can be an anime nazi too! And now, the illustrious call to DiC Entertainment to secure my position as head editor of this wonderful series eventually coming to American TV!


DiC guy : Dic Entertainment
Dave : Seeing as how you're a company who doesn't mind alienating its prospective fanbase, BOY have I got a deal for you! It's a little gem called Photon : The Idiot Adventures. Now, it's a bit racy for daytime TV but that's why I've sought you guys out, let's just say you have the midas touch for creative editing. We just change all the "dickheads" to "meaniepies", use the digital bikini trick in all bathscenes, and explain the lesbian overtones as girls just "being curious about the changes their body is going through." Hey! There aren't even any cars you have to worry about americanizing. Just to be safe let's rename Photon in Deedledum, Aun into Cinderellza, Keyne is good we'll just change the spelling to "keen" to keep up with the 80's crowd. So, what do you think? Do I have a winner here?
DiC Guy : *click*
Dave : Hello?



This is how it goes. A girl named Keyne is flying through space trying her very best to escape a man who enjoys laughing, flying through walls, and hiding transmitters in women's undergarments. With the eventual removal of all her clothes she manages to lose him, but not before her ship is severly damaged and she's forced to crashland on a planet in the middle of nowhere. As she's falling through space a permanent marker flies from her ship and lands on an outcropping in the middle of the desert. A primitive man takes the marker and raises it high as his companions bow down to him like a scene from The Quest For Fire, thus...a religion is born.

Problem: You're the village elder, you have a daughter who's not only an idiot...but obsessed with a wandering troubador by the name of Laman. In a fit of whimsy she steals the sacred object of your people (the marker) and runs away to live a happy life with her newfound love.

Solution: You call out Photon, the superpowered boy with the heart of gold and mammoth stick that serves as an adequate phallic symbol. Did we mention he sleeps in a box? Anyway, it's Photon's job to go save her ass before she gets herself killed or causes some serious damage.

You see, Aun the idiot has a strange power of her own, she can stop motion and she stops a LOT of motion when she gets upset. Lucky for her Photon shows up and beats the crap out of some bandits after her reject body, he is summarily ditched and thrown down a hole after she uses the holy object to doodle "idiot" on his head. This is where the real fun begins.


Photon comes upon a ship at the botton of the quicksand with a girl sleeping inside, the very same girl who originally had the magic marker. He crawls into bed with the voluptously naked woman, scribbles "idiot" on her forehead, and and immediately starts groping her breasts as for the only reason a completely naive person would, they remind him of his sister's. Of course, the lovely Keyne wakes up and starts to beat his ass for touching her most sensitive of sensitive regions. After a nice little (naked) chase around the room she notices they've got the same doodle on her head. You see, where Keyne's from that means they're married. Photon just turned into the luckiest guy on earth. That is, until Papacha, the laughing man and high ranking count, tracks them down. Keyne's grandfather was the creator of a very powerful Aho furance, Aho being the energy that is used for pretty much everything... from forcefields to levitation to energy blasts. Whoever controls that furnace could do pretty much anything they wanted and Papacha knows Keyne is the key to finding it.

That's where it all begins. Let's go onto the true git of the show though. First off, Photon completely irreverant, it has no problem tackling things like lesbian overtones in the bath house, words like 'dickhead', and the standard Japanese "You have small breasts" taunt.*** Photon spends most of its time being pretty funny, some of it being kinda forced sad, and the little bit of crap that's pretty much a requirement. Fanservice to the extreme doesn't even BEGIN to describe Photon. As I said before, if this was a shorter version in movie form I'd love to show this to people who have the conception that anime is nothing but Tits and Ass and completely blow their mind. You want T&A? Look no further buddy 'cause Photon is here, ready, and willing to deliver.


**Yes, this really happened, almost verbatim.

***To be fair though, Aun DOES have a non-existant rack.