Patlabor #3: WXIII Pioneer 102 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 04/08/2003

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That picture was just too good not to include. I know it has basically nothing to do with the story or the characters or really anything at all, but just look at it! Can you honestly tell me that that's not one of the coolest things you've ever seen? If you're saying to yourself that it isn't, you're totally lying. And you know what? It's not polite to lie. The dolphins are gonna come after you when you sleep and then they're gonna have to make a new book. Only the title of this one is gonna be "How Dolphins disembowel your lying ass".** This Patlabor movies is one of the few animes in recent times that I've actually looked forward to seeing. Even better, unlike some animes I've looked forward to, it was actually really good. It's not like it's a huge surprise that I liked it. I mean, come on, giant robots...detective story. Does this ring any bells with you people? Because it sure as hell does with me. You know what I love? Montages, and this movie has them in spades. You know what else I like? Exposition, and there's no shortage of that kind of stuff either. You could pretty much stop reading right now and assume that a movie like this is worth watching without my half-assed attempts at humor or information. But if you did that you'd be depriving yourself of all the spoilers and that just wouldn't be fair.

So by all means, please read on. Patlabor WXIII (Or Wasted 13) is the story of a giant mutant gobi fish that's going around terrorizing Japan, messing up buildings, eating people and just making himself out to be a general boor of a fellow. At least, I'm pretty sure the monster is a giant gobi. I could be mistaken, considering everyone who was in the room wouldn't SHUT THE HELL UP. Now, I don't ask for a lot but Patlabor movies are basically like a reglion to me and all I can ask is that people show a little respect. Joel, I don't go to your church and start screaming about how mythical "water boats" are swimming under our seas so I would ask that you please do the same when we're watching something like this. Regardless of what the monster is, one thing is for certain...and that is that Wasted 13 is seriously attracted to quality beat boxing. The first time we're introduced to the thing it's just made a mess of a club where some DJs were laying down some fly beats. Later in the feature we're told that it's because it's attracted to any sound over such and such amount of KiloHertz but I think that's crap. The monster just knows how to appreciate today's more forgotten artists. The problem with all this is that the way Wasted 13 "appreciates" these artists is by eating them. This could pose a problem for such preeminent artists like Razel of the Roots. I might suggest to them that they should look into getting another career before the giant fish monster comes to get them.

But I don't think they'd be willing to do that, all those rappers care about is their Kristal and their bitches, bitches, bitches. Which is okay for them, because fortunately detectives Kusumi and Hata are on the case. You know, I don't think Kusumi could be any more Columbo if he tried. It's probably just because he always looks tired, but I was seriously waiting for him to walk up to the monster at the end of the film and go "Just one more thing ma'am, if you never were in the room with the body...then how did we fnd this banana with your fingerprints on it in its pocket?" But such hopes are not to be rewarded. It's fortunate that there's so much more kickass stuff going on during this movie that you won't even notice. If you though that there was no way an old guy with a cane running from a monster would look cool then I think you're about to have a serious jolt to your system. It's just a pity that they always put the doors with the fifteen digit access codes in your way when you're trying to escape from the man eating fish monster. Who makes these doors? I mean, I still don't have my bank account number memorized and it's only EIGHT digits. What's more than that I use it like, every day. Now, my Japanese is pretty rusty but I think the sign next to the keypad said "In case of giant fish monster emergency do not use elevator".

That doesn't seem fair to me, because I doubt the elevator has a fifteen digit code and the guy's walking with a cane. I was confused as to whether or not he was an amateur faith healer though, as he throws said cane away no less than twice in a single hour. At first this pissed me off, until I realized the character was limping like a three legged bitch. If that's not realism then I don't know what is! And that's what Patlabor movies generally seem to be all about. Some of the art in this is so detailed that you'll have trouble discerning whether or not it's real. If you can't picture that in your mind then let me just tell you that that is freakin' ridiculous. But ridiculous in the good way, not the bad Love Hina way I generally tend to use it in. At a hundred minutes it's relatively short but it's packed to the brim with everything that makes detective movies good PLUS giant robots. The robots are few and far between, but like I told Bear, these movies are always low yield when it comes to this kind of stuff. I must say that the final struggle with the giant gobi was more than worth the price of admission for me (which was free considering Jerry bought it). I've just got one thing to say to the animators. I love a set of tits as much as the next guy, but I can certainly deal without seeing them when those tits happen to be connected to a giant fish monster. Thanks for your time. PS: I know it's not a giant gobi.

**I lost the pictures, so we'll never know what it said! Pretend the picture of the robot is indeed a children's book about Dolphins and how they talk. Or live. Or love!