Outlaw Star #3

200 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
04/03/2000

Just to get it out of the way. I want to make babies with this woman. Now, admittedly I am no judge of all things in the realm of "animated hotness", but if wanting to copulate with a sex space pirate (eyepatch and all) is wrong then you might as well just lock me up and throw away the key right now. Because there ain't no law that's gonna stop me from lovin' her. You know, it kind of pisses me off that they killed Hilda off in the third episode. Couldn't they have done it to a less important character? Like...I don't know, Gene or something?

Anyway. I managed to think things through this time and I actually did NOT watch the discs in the wrong order. Before you start a standing ovation for my accomplishment though, let me confess that I did indeed fall asleep during the last episode. What's even worse is that this is the second time I've done this. Three years ago I remember well, back with Joel and JL...sitting around watching our show and trying not to let any little thing "cheapen it" or "belittle it". About the seventh time we tried that joke on Joel he Judo tossed JL through a wall. Needless to say we don't see JL much anymore.

You know, I don't think I'll ever see the very last bit of And I don't Outlaw Star, or at least...I don't think I'll ever be coherent enough while watching it to remember. That's okay though, because I must admit that their portrayl of the Galatic Leyline kind of disappointed me, you know what I mean? I think I was just imagining this little desert island in the middle of space with a palm tree on it and a treasure chest with a bunch of gold dubloons and a sword sticking out. You know, like in all those "castaway" cartoons. Such is not the case, and that made me a little sad. Could someone please explain to me why all these pirates are trying to find a treasure that 1) Isn't buried and 2) Isn't treasure.
And not a single one of these pirates cares to go out of their way to give an emphatic "Ahoy matey!" or "Swab the deck!". No, all these stupid pirates can do is chant the only two words their "discount" religion provides them with and wear really stupid costumes. I'm refering mostly to the assassins, and especially to the one who decided he'd much rather have the face of the pretty girl whose family he killed than his own. I mean, I guess cosmetic surgery is better than cutting the face off said girl and wearing it like a hat...but it's really six of one and half a dozen of the other.

But pirates are less of a focal point in this collection of episodes. It's all about filler and fan-service as the crew of the Outlaw Star hops around space and time (not really time, just space) helping to free people from crazy gravity prisons and wandering around nude (though it might not be the kind of nudity you'd like. And if it IS then...get away from me you weirdo). Finally, they manage to wind their way to the source of ultimate treasure in the galaxy, which doesn't actually have any treasure at all.

Of course, when they get there they find that they've been beaten by not only the MacDougal brothers, but also like five hundred pirates. Does this make sense to anyone? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me! It takes them like twenty two episodes to get the map to this place and somehow everyone else just kind of stumbles upon it accidentally. Keep in mind that this INCLUDES one of the people that forced them to get the map in the first place, intending to tag along with them. How does this work? And why the hell are the psycho-MacDougal brothers painted in such a good light at the end? A lot of this show just plain doesn't make sense to me.

(By the way, hottest-picture-ever.)
But despite its overt attraction to plot holes, Outlaw Star is still pretty good. I'm not exactly down with the whole "Rudy from the Cosby Show" precocious syndrome that Jim Hawkings has going on, and the annoying catgirl thing was played out even before it started but I'll be damned if it doesn't do pretty damn well for itself too. From the very first time I heard Through the Night, the loudest themesong ever created in history, I knew that Outlaw Star had something going for it. It's certainly not perfect, but it maintains a pretty steady pace throughout. It was a bargain series when I bought it, but Bandai got even trickier sometime recently and rereleased the whole show for about $60 online. Consider how much that is, because it's basically nothing. Don't pay your electricy and gas bills for a month and pick up Outlaw Star. Those utility providing fat cats can live without their money anyway. But can you live without Outlaw Star?