Ninja Scroll

Manga

94 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
5/19/1998

Ninja Scroll is one of those animes which makes uneducated housewives hate anime. And we're talking hate it with a passion, a ludicrous, delicious passion. This is like the cherry cheesecake passions, it's thick and delicious and if you have too much of it you're gonna puke all over yourself. It's not the best comparison I could make, but I was thinking about how good a cherry cheesecake would be right now. I mean, seriously, wouldn't that be awesome? Like, covered in the stuff. I could eat a two of them and then I'd spend the whole night with my head buried in a toilet, just like the suburban daughters of those fat housewives who hate a style of entertainment for a few bad apples.

That's not to say Ninja Scroll is a bad apple. Far from it. While Ninja Scroll has obvious love from gratuitous sex and assloads of violence, that doesn't mean it's a bad movie. It's a kick-ass movie in fact. One so good that other animes come up to it on the street and they're like "Hey Ninja Scroll wanna hang out?" and Ninja Scroll's like "Fuck you bitch, make me a sandwich!" and the other animes do it. Then it goes off to mack with some fly honies.

And I'm down with that. Because Ninja Scroll puts the rock in rocktastic. This is all despite the fact that it was original titled Jubei Ninpucho. I'm pretty sure that means "Not shitty Ninja Resurrection's prequel". That story's original enough, as far as action stories go. And if you prove me wrong I'm just gonna say you're lying anyway so don't bother. Really, I'm not kidding here.
This movie has everything, even if some of it you'd rather not have included. I'm sure there's a person or two out there whose lifelong dream was accomplished by seeing a fat fucking chancellor screwing the hell out of a woman while he gives a set of orders to a ninja warrior girl. I'm not saying I'd ever want to meet these people, but they're out there. And so are the terrible people who don't like Ninja Scroll. I'm not really sure who they are, except for one girl we'll call "Joel II". Now, we've never determined whether that's Joel 'too' or Joel 'two'** and I can't even remember why we started calling her that, but I do remember her expressing her distaste in Ninja Scroll, as much as I do the expressions of disgust Joel and I wore. That's right before we mashed her face into a bloody pulp and rented Army of Darkness (a good flick). Joel II doesn't come around much anymore.

So anyway, plot. Here comes the spoilers that are trademark of any review on this site. I think I managed to reach an all time personal best by going for five paragraphs while saying basically nothing about the thing in question. You don't get much more excellent than that. Anyway. There's these eight demons of Kimon who are going around screwing everything up for everyone instead of just staying at home and raping their own women. I'm not really sure why demons love raping human girls so much, but then again I'm not really sure why the movie has a good helping of guy on guy love either. Thankfully enough for us, it's only hinted at. The image of the fat chancellor bouncing around is more than enough for me, thank you. I don't need seconds.
Anyway, these demons are planning some harsh shit to help the Shogun of the Dark buy some guns from Spain. Why Spain? Why anywhere! They've got fun powers like turning into rock, electric string, and being blind! I'm not really sure how good of a power being blind is, but if anyone was ever gonna do it it'd be a devil of Kimon. Don't worry, they all get their come uppances in the end. Especially Jubei. Wait... no, not, not Jubei. He's okay.

So what do you get for the anime movie that has everything? Christ, I don't know. A clock or a set of oven mitts or something. Stop asking me for your gift giving advice you freeloaders. But, now that you mention it... if you ever have to give someone a gift, just give cash. That's what everyone wants anyway. Think of the best present you could get someone and then give them an equivalent amount in cash. Unless you're like my brother and just plain ask what the person wants, you really gotta go with cash. Cash, it's like saying you love another guy without having to feel weird about it.

And Ninja Scroll would be a great gift to give too. Now, I'm not professing some weird love of Manga or something, but it's a damn good movie regardless of who puts it out. Much love for Ninja Scroll, the gift that keeps on giving. I'll leave you with this final note: The prize for the demon who best knows how to hide a snake goes to Benisato. That's one kinky girly.

**That joke doesn't work in text.