Ninja Resurrection

ADV

80 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
12/07/1999

It's been a long time since I've been able to sink my teeth into a review about an anime I really, really hate. I'll never forget my first introduction into the world of Ninja Resurrection (whose name I still have trouble spelling). Riding home in the car, I made the mistake of assuming that, because of the font used, Ninja Resurrection was the sequel to the quality movie Ninja Scroll. Joel was quick to correct me and gave a most vivid description of Jubei and his cadre of super powered Ninjas (whom we've titled the "Ninja Force") and their battle against the Christians and, more specifically, evil Jesus and his roof tile dragon. There's nothing like some misappropriated hate of another religion to get things going in your animated entertainment. I know if I ever was to put one together I'd pull no stops against Wicca, Voodoo, and whatever else was deemed unpopular at the time.

If that summation doesn't sound like it makes a lot of sense, then I've done my job. Ninja Resurrection is about as vague and ridiculous as anime comes. If you want an example, I'll provide you with a rather vivid one. The back of the keepcase says something like "To kill with anger, and with hunger, and with death." Does this sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone but me? Oh no, PLEASE don't kill me with death! You know, It's strange that I wouldn't like a show that starts with a rather verbose historical narration, but Ninja Resurrection is so much less than the sum of its parts. It doesn't help that none of the dub actors know how to pronounce anything relatively Japanese. I know back in the day I spelled almost every Japanese name with a 'z' or 't' where they didn't belong, but that was a long time ago and I'm not getting paid for a professional service. You can bet that if someone was paying me for the privilege of writing anime reviews, and not vice versa (that's a less than subtle hint) I'd put a little more effort into my job as a whole.

I'd be willing to say that Ninja Resurrection goes out of its way to confuse you for no real reason. At first you're stilling there thinking about how awful the Japanese government is for persecuting these Christians and all of a sudden *BAM* the second in command of "Evil Jesus" is going around cutting the heads off of children all willy-nilly while Jubei, who apparently is the big king dick when it comes to Japan in general, is trying to negotiate a rather fair truce. Then the Ninja Force comes in and shoots a whole bunch of rockets then transforms into a plane and you're left there scratching your head.
A normal viewer would've been tempted to just shut the show off at this point, but I knew I had to preservere... the creators of this show decided that one forty minute episode wouldn't terrify our dreams for the rest of our lives, even though the dénouement involves Evil Mossy Teeth Man cutting off his finger, which then crawls along the ground and into his daughter's most private of places. Said daughter then goes about doing the dirtiest of dances with the armless, dying Evil Jesus. If this is what passes for entertainment in Japan then I've just confirmed my desire never to go there... TWICE.

But the suck doesn't stop there! The second episode of diverges on a completely different path of suckitude. For no reason at all we're shown Jubei as the guardian of two teenage children. Uh, hello...? I think Ninja Resurrectionwins the prize for the most fucked up plot in the history of the world. If you're unsure let me spell it out for you. Episode one involved decapitated children and Evil Jesus as a major plot point. Episode two seems to be about happy teenage siblings playing with each other. And, unsurprisingly, the sister has a huge crush on Jubei. Didn't see that one coming!
In a way, I didn't, because just fifteen minutes prior I was getting my daily dose of jading to violence as Jubei cut through no less than 50,000 Christians. Even more impression, he did it using only THREE FRAMES OF ANIMATION! Amazingly, the scene lasted for a good twenty or thirty seconds. That's a skill I'd like to learn. Too bad that Jubei's wussed out in the time since his separation with the Ninja Force. I can only assume that they've separated anyway, seeing as how they're nowhere to be found during the entire run of this episode. We never even got to see what the little kid's power was! But if I was to wager a guess I'd say it was "suck".

(In case you can't tell, that man's intestines are killing those ninjas)

Don't you worry though, fair reader, because the ultra-violence and ultra-lack of taste that only Ninja Resurrection can bring is quick to return. Soon after Jubei and his two wards disappear for the rest of the show a rather large, gorrilla-esque man goes about raping some unnamed woman that we've never met, nor will we ever have the chance... as when he finishes she explodes. That guy must have semen like a rocket launcher to accomplish a feat like that. Judging by previous experiences with the show that's more than likely to be his secret power. Also, from what we've learned from Ninja Resurrection him and intenstine-killing machine are probably the good guys.

Why? Don't ask me, because I'm not an intesto-philiac who enjoys watching helpless women explode. I think if there's any show I'm glad never got finished it'd be Ninja Resurrection. This is both for our benefit and the creators. Ours, because there's only so much insanely sick and violent crap someone can take before they start just going straight for the animated porn, and from there it's all over. The creators because, well, after watching a man's intestines lash out and make a score of ninjas literally explode, I don't think they'd be able to top that. There's literally NOTHING more insane. But maybe that's just me...**

**PS : It's not just me.