Amazing Nurse Nanako #3: The Last Spiral Pioneer 60 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 01/23/2001

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My brain is freakin' killing me. I mean, seriously. I went to bed at 5:30 AM and I woke up at 8:30 AM. I tried to get to sleep for a half an hour or so but that just wasn't gonna work out. But you know what's really fucked up? I sit down at my computer and typed in the Screen name box of AIM is 'wa'. Just 'wa'. That's it. I have no idea who typed that, aliens or something. That's some freaky stuff. So here I am awake at the ungodly hour of ten in the morning, watching In the Heat of the Night and trying to churn out some more comedy. Since I'm trying to fill out some space here let me provide you with an anecdote I hold very near and dear to my heart. And before I start, yes those are evil Jesus clones you'll see on the right. So anyway, I wake up at five in the morning one night in April to this sound that's like a baby lamb getting it's ear raped or something. I mean, seriously... whatever the hell it is it's screaming bloody murder. I wouldn't be so pissed but I had only gotten in a half an hour ago. But it stops pretty quickly so I'm like "Whatever." But then it starts up AGAIN. So I look over and there's my room mate opening two cans of Chef Boyardee with this can opener that looked like it had survived the Korean War, but just barely. I know, I know. That one's not that good. Maybe sometime I'll bless ya with the farcical tale of my room mate, his girlfriend, and the "I'm not gonna get naked, you get naked" phone call. That was the scariest night of my life, and I survived a term in 'Nam.

What's this about Jesus clones though? I'm not really sure... see, there's this guy who's a little rolly polly Dahli Llama or something and the Vatican is paying him big bucks to clone their savior from the Shroud of Turin or something. Now I feel like the show is gonna go on some Metal Gear Solid 2 kick and start talking about DNA memory and all of that. Listen, Nanako sucked already guys let's not make it worse. Just because you can make someone who looks like Jesus doesn't mean he is. There's a guy who looks like Jesus already, he's in center city and begs for change. All I know is he certainly doesn't smell like any messiahs I know. In this final two parter the point of Nanako, and really the whole series, is revealed. What is also revealed is how much of a fucking moron Rasputin Yano is. Seriously, the guy has to be like twelve years old or something. The only character anyone can possibly like in this show is Sergeant Jack(s) (pictured left) and really that's only because he speaks in English even on the Japanese track. I have to say it was a high point of the show when him and his team of crack commandos shot the hell out of the army/garbage men of the Church of Crazy Let's Clone Jesus Fakers. While that was pretty cool it was also cartoonishly violent and lasted all of ten seconds. Then somebody's breasts jiggled and Nanako was forced to run around naked against her will.

There's some other stuff that happened, but I can't really remember any of it. I'm pretty sure Nanako gets naked and stays naked. FOR AN ENTIRE EPISODE. If that's not ridiculous then I don't know what is. Also, who's for the gratuitous slaughter of Tibetan monks? Because I know I sure am! Then there's something about the Army getting pissed off and doing something or other, but they don't spend much time on it because there isn't really any naked girls in it. According to the great director himself the super playdough alien robot known only as Green is better than Jesus. It's implied somewhere at least. I'm glad this show's over. I'm more than glad, I'm orgasmic. I find myself wishing I'd written better reviews the first time so I didn't have to rewatch this shit again. Yet, I still don't sell the DVDs even though I've got jack money in the bank. It's some sort of weird collector's fetish I've got goin' on. Don't ask me to explain it 'cause I really can't. So now I haven't wasted three hours of my life on this show, I've wasted six hours. Plus all the time it took for me to write this up. Not only that, but I'm making YOU waste time by reading this. Suckers. That'll learn you to read anything I write.

One final note on the show, "Other Guy", or Mr. Fancypants as we've named him, remains unnamed. I know there wasn't a manga of this or anything so it's not like he was some minor character there and they just decided to put him in here as an afterthought. No, he has absolutely no reason for being in it. Then again, if you don't have tits then it seems Rasputin Yano doesn't really want to have anything to do with you. Shit, this DVD didn't even have a lesbian scene. At least give me that much to go on. I guess I can give the guy credit for hiring the extras from Lawrence of Arabia. Except... that's not really that funny 'cause most of them are probably pretty dead by now anyway. So I've run out of things to say, it's good I've reached the end of our time together. If you learn one thing from reading this trio of reviews, I'd like it to be that you should buy a can opener than costs more than fifty fucking cents. If you learn two things from this, one should probably be that breasts usually aren't shaped like road work emergency cones. Finally, if you learn three things, the third should definitely be to not buy anything related to Amazing Nurse Nanako. Oh yeah, and if you're Japanese please don't name your son after a Russian charlatan, that's just retarded. Final notes for Rasputin himself: It's Babylon, not Babilon, bra's don't often pop off as if by magic, and I hate you more than anything that has ever been hated.