Magic Knight Rayearth #7: Rise Mediablasters 100 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 05/01/2001

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Joel : Chinese people always drunk an' laughin'... that's all I know. If you looked through this site, I could almost assure you that Joel is in the far majority in regards to quotes in these reviews, and with good reason! Always the master of commentary, let's examine what it is that Joel's referring to in this case. Soon after the "Chinese" music started playing a "Chinese" dragon popped out and proceeded to be very "Chinese" and as it turns out it's a big spaceship and everyone inside is "Chinese". Their leader is what the Japanese consider all Chinese people, a fourteen year old girl with a really annoying laugh and a thirst for power. Japan doesn't like China at all. Why? I figure it's either payback for China repelling like three invasions, or that they're still pissed off because they stole China's vocabulary system and didn't open it up until they got back home in Japan, then realizing (too late!) that it was totally broken. But, in traditional Japanese efficiency, they started talking about how 'very logical' the pictograph system was and that was that. If a Japanese person pulls you aside and tells you that their language and writing style is 'very logical' then I want you to call them a liar and then I want you to KILL THEM.

But who is this mysterious figure from the far east? Why, it's Aska from the country of Fahren! She also wants Cephiro because she thinks their Pillar system is the coolest. You'd think all these invaders would figure out that the totally awesome "Pillar System" just doesn't work considering Cephiro is a barren wasteland. But that's what you get for hiring those stupid Chinese to do the work of the average Japanese superman. I'm not only offended on the behalf of China, but I'm offended that they have to throw that stereotypical and totally annoying 'anime haughty laugh' into the mix. Now, when you're an awesome character of Soul Calibur who goes around with white hair and an aristocrat costume that can't be beat, then I'm totally down with the laughing. When you're a nine year old girl that seems to be aiming at every racial stereotype known to man, that's something else entirely. And, on a surprisingly non-racist note our favorite psycho Alcyone is back, still being enraged every time the magic knights take it upon themselves to call her an old hag. Now, I'm not professor of Japanese culture or standards or anything, but I think if you were to take a woman like Alcyone and convert her to the flesh, she'd be pretty hot, though likely unable to support the weight of her massive chest globes for any extended length of time.

You can't watch anime regularly and not realize that unifying theory though. For example, let's examine the wicked Lady Debonair, Alycone's reason de etre. With a name like that you have to be evil and old (like Joan Rivers) or evil and hot (like Lady Debonair). And it's pretty much an anime convention that every girl ever is hot... even the little kids. Seriously, have you ever heard someone say "Sakura Kinomoto is such a nice piece of ass" and felt physically repulsed? She's TEN after all, but at the same time you're thinking "Hm, well... maybe when she's nine years older..." I never actually did that, I was just trying to get you to say that you did. Now I have it on tape. Nevermind that, though. What I'm trying to prove to you is that the Magic Knights really need to learn to exercise better judgment. Instead of doing something logical like, say, pitting the invaders against each other until there's only four or five people left they go into their whole "Fighting is wrong! Let's not do it!" spiel. Look it might've worked on Ascot and Caldina, but that was way into the first season and you can't expect the same lovey-dovey tactics to work when you're dealing with the Battleship INXS and Fahren here. FAHREN, for Christ's sake.

But, you know, you guys were totally kicking ass last season. I have trouble believing that three things that the show consistently refers to as GODS are having trouble taking down a guy in a giant robot that isn't a) made of Gundanium or b) spawned by the mind of Go Nagai himself. Since neither of these things are present here I'm at a loss to explain why a normal robot has any chance of of defeating the girls. That's like putting Mechagodzilla up against three Godzillas! It'd never work! But I don't have the writing style or character designs of Clamp yand I'm not the sort of person who would let a character named Eagle have such a sissy voice, so what do I know? Magic Knight Rayearth isn't my show to write anyway. This is obviously true because of a total lack of super awesome robots and dialogue/action cribbed directly from Bubblegum Crisis 2040. I guess if I'm not doing anything to change it then I really can't complain but... come on guys... come on.