Magic Knight Rayearth #3: Noon Mediablasters 100 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 05/30/2000

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A long time ago two very distinct things happen, both with a surprising amount of relation to this disc. If you believe that it was surprising, then you're wrong, but they still do have at least a pretty good amount of significance to what's gone on in the past four episodes of Magic Knight Rayearth I've forced myself to watch (And broke my headphones in the process of doing so, so now I can't listen to Kim Deal while I'm writing this up. Clamp, you just put another nail in your coffin right now). But like I was saying, years ago I found myself playing the Magic Knight Rayearth game for Super Nintendo, because I was bored and at the time I still had a relative level of patience, so I could play RPGs for more than fifteen minutes per century. I found myself pretty far in the game when the saucy lady pictured left came out of nowhere, charmed two of the girls in my party, and had them start attacking me!

Well needless to say I attacked them right back! "Take that friends forever! I didn't mean all that lovey-dovey BS anyway!" Was my war cry on that fated day when I struck down my two fellow Magic Knights (Umi and Fuu, if I remember correctly. I always liked Hikaru best, but I think that's because she's so dumb). So they die and then, to my surprise, Game Over! I mean, what the hell is with that? I'm not the type of person who you often find "thinking outside of the box", so I wasn't about to understand that maybe I had to do something besides kill my most trusted companions to advance the game along on its proper course. All things considered, Magic Knight Rayearth is a shitty game that doesn't let you kill your best friends. And Fuu has a stupid bow, I always hated that bow. But the morals we're presented with here are about the same stuff. 'Don't kill your friends' seems to be the mantra of the rather large fellow to our right, one of the fabled "Rune Gods" that's totally gonna hook Cephiro up with their princess saving power. If you want to get technical I suppose the Rune God said something more like "DO kill your friends and I'll hook you up!" followed by a hushed intonation of "...but if you do you're totally boned and I'm not gonna hang out with you or 'hook you up'."

And I don't care if you're a Rune God or not, that's just not cool. You can't give trick statements like that and not expect people to follow through with them. So in a way, me and Umi are exactly the same. We're given a choice on whether or not we want to kill our best friends. In another, more true way, Umi doesn't take the easy way out and actually helps her buddies instead of condemning them to the 9th level of hell, according to Dante. As we all know, that's where the treacherous go, and you can be damn sure that attacking your own best pal in the whole world counts! Can you blame me people? I thought I was doing them a favor by kicking them down there and letting them get chewed on by the three faces of Satan, or whatever. I wouldn't know how valid that is, as I never got too far in the game so I'm not entirely sure if that happens, but I really hope it does, otherwise they're just abusing their source material. I also never got far enough to find out whether or not Ascot (The ten year old boy on a floating rock named after men's neckwear) was as painfully annoying as he is in this show. You know what I'm totally tired of? Misunderstood villains!

But what I'm really tired of is people like Umi going around and slapping ten year old neckwear boys in the face because they're crying. I mean, dude! I think it's pretty unfair that, not only does this girl get a huge robot to mess around with, but she's also allowed to beat up little kids without repercussions. I'm not saying I'd like to beat up little kids, but I'd be more comfortable in with the notion that Umi and I would be treated on the same scale if, perchance, I did wallop a seven year old girl into the next calendar year. Double standards get cited all the time, and now I finally have one in my favor! But, with regards to Magic Knight Rayearth, it's pretty much more of the same. Someone gets a new spell, their armor evolves AGAIN, they go to a place where everything is "not as it seems!" (creepy voice) and they learn a valuable lesson about what it means to love, and what it means to be loved by a pair of disgusting giant monsters. In the scope of this whole "allegory for young females growing up" I would imagine that these monsters represent a girl's period, which begs the question... why does Ascot like them so much?