Kite

60 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
05/01/2001

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Let me tell you a story.
I remember typing up my very first review more than three years ago.** Before I decided to make review writing more than just a hobby (it's still just a hobby) and before fan-service.com was even a twinkle in a fan's eye (it's still not). Back when I wasn't even hosted on my own server and I had to deal with an incredibly convoluted web address whenever I wanted to spread the word. I'd like to think that's what caused a lot of that traffic trouble that still plagues us to this day. Before all that, I wrote my first review ever, and it was for Kite. Sure, I had written something up on Mega Man X and Final Fantasy VI before, but it was nothing that you wouldn't find on your run of the mill Geocities or Tripod site, complete with misplaced horizontal dividers and animated GIFs, not that my Kite write up was anything better. You'll laugh, but it was a very real part of my history, a very real part of my history that I'm very glad to be able to erase entirely as of now thanks to my total lack of journalistic integrity.

The ire inspired in my by Kite was unlike anything I had ever experienced before, and it wasn't good. If I had to blame any one for my experiences with Kite, I blame that dirty Pinyo, Jerry for introducing it to me during my more formative years, in a high school computer science class. Thanks a lot Jerry, thanks a lot for RUINING MY LIFE! I was angry and I needed an outlet, regardless of whether anyone else would read it. And it's fortunate that nobody read the mishmash of poor grammar and poor spelling that was the net result of my rage. Threesome years later, I think I'm a little more prepared to vent my feelings on the matter.
Kite is the story of Sawa, a young child orphaned when her parents were killed and taken in by a cop with his own sense of justice. This cop, Akai, has trained her in the arts of killing and now uses poor, young Sawa and a few other teens like her for his own nefarious purposes. You've heard plot outlines, right? I know I have! But I left out about the most key point of Kite's storytelling style. That point being gratuitous amounts of rape, pedophilia, and really just sex in general. If you needed proof of just how debauched as a culture Japan can be, you'll find it in Kite.

Here's a fun fact for you. Despite the containing amounts of sexual abuse that'd make your garden variety pederast blush and run for cover, the version of Kite first shipped over here was the CUT VERSION. I can barely comprehend how absolutely ludicrous that fact is. Out there, floating around, now on American shelves, is a version that contains this (don't look if you value your spiritual well-being). Know what that is? That's a seven year old girl getting raped. Now, I can understand how the knowledge of something like that happened could be crucial to a story, but to flat out stick it in my face really does nothing for me. I get creeped out when Natalie Portman comes on to Jean Reno in The Professional, I almost threw up looking for that picture. It's my sincerest hope that you are feeling just as ill right now as I was back then. Other fun things in the uncut version include a random teenager getting abused in various sexual ways, and a random couple having sex seen through an office building? Why? Why not! Sex sells and that can only mean that gross sex sells even better! Look, I'm no conservative mind or anything, but there's a line and Kite has crapped on it more times than I can count.
And, unfortunately for Kite, it barely has a leg to stand on anyway. The plot is about as dour and plodding as it could be, and Kite ends up being about the longest 45 minute OVA I've ever watched in my entire life. The story revolves around the young and disillusioned Sawa meeting the young and disillusioned Oburi and being all young and disillusioned together, finally realizing they've been betrayed by their very benefactor and coming after him in the third act. How original!

The best part, though, is how people complain about the ending. I'm going to spoil it for you as, by reading this site, you show that you have a commitment to watching anime of at least mediocre quality (you certainly have a commitment to writing of a mediocre quality!) and you'll hopefully be avoiding Kite. The badguys die and then a little kid with one of Akai's trademark guns wastes Oburi. Sawa is left waiting for him to come home, which he never will. That's a good ending, because it shows how the 'circle of violence' continues. What's funny is that all the fans of this show complain about how sad the ending is. I'm sorry, I must've forgotten that a story about a girl getting raped and BEATEN was all flowers and sunshine. The ending is the only thing where you can possibly even try to argue is good and for all the fans to complain about it is just like one more slap in the face.

Look, lack of originality and whatever else, most stuff usually won't find any complaints from me provided that it's all done up into something mildly entertaining, but Kite is so haphazardly put together and terribly executed that my original 'review' on it only seemed like a fair homage to how confused and bad it was. The difference is I was an eighteen year old kid with a C+ average in English and Kite was made by people who have been in the industry of entertainment for many, many years. It's the JOB of these people to create sensical stories to entertain us, and Kite fails in pretty much every respect it would be POSSIBLE TO FAIL IN. There is no reason for something like Kite to exist, let alone a reason for you to watch it. In a way, though, I've got to give credit where credit is due. Thanks Kite. Without you I wouldn't have this sinkhole of money and my precious time constantly draining my life. God bless you Kite, god bless you.

I'm gonna go cry now.

**The last time you'll hear it. I really, really swear.