Key The Metal Idol #3: Singing Pioneer 160 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 10/17/2000

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I bet you would've never believed that I'd manage to watch all three discs of Key in about as many days, after all, that's over seven hours of video to be watching and that's a hell of a lot for someone like me considering that I probably haven't watched seven hours of anime in the past month. But I did it, and now I get to go to my review listing and put a big X mark over the spot that says "Key 1 - 2 - 3". I know you guys have never seen my review listings, and you probably wouldn't because I really just wrote it on the back of a handout from my freshman English class, but it holds a special little place in my heart. And there's something very cathartic about the act of dragging that felt tipped marker across the spot. You guys probably wouldn't understand, but basically the whole reason I watch anime is so I can cross it off the list. It's like being in college, nobody goes to college for the experience anymore, they go because they want to get a degree and get a high paying job. Just look at all the business majors we have nowadays, do you think they're really sitting there learning their asses off about James Joyce and Walt Whitman and whatever else those freshman English teachers are wont to throw at you.

And as you should be able to tell, I was spending more time writing lists of the shows I had to rereview on the back of my English hand outs to possibly pay any attention. So while I might not exactly be part of the "Gimme some more" crowd that inhabits places like the Wharton School of Business, I ain't part of the philosophic quest for truth and meaning either. That doesn't mean that I can't enjoy a good piece of poetry, or a good anime, when the time comes. Key is just the kind of show they had waiting around for me in the rafters while I watched all the other crappy stuff. Further confirming my suspicion that they made Key with me in mind, the entire first movie on this disc is exposition. There's almost a hundred minutes of just talking. And I could go on and on about how cool things were, and the constant juxtaposition (Tataki/Wakagi, D/Ajou, Sakura/Key, Key/Key) because I won't because that's boring and unfunny, kind of like Doctor Power's class on Texts and Contexts. I know it keeps coming back to English, but just consider this one a warning. Don't take her, she's literally three hundred years old and only two and a half feet tall. While that might sound funny at first, it's really not.

Oh yeah, and the music over action just can't be beat. The first movie starts with a very sullen tone played as clips of the city pass by and the final movie ends with something I like even more inappropriate music over action. A lullaby while people are getting blown to hell? Nothing wrong with that. The only probably is it reminds me of how shitty a composer I am and how terrible Fruity Loops 3 is. I mean, come on, can you give me a program where 90% of the sounds aren't freaking LASERS?! Because that would be awesome, but it's kind of hard to write a somnambulant tone when your best choices are Sci-Fi 2 and Roswell Landing. Who the fuck invented this thing? There's a grand total of one instrument in the whole program that doesn't sound synthesized, and for some reason I can't understand with my puny intellect, it refuses to hold notes for any span of time. So yeah, Key has no qualms about sitting me down and making me feel bad about myself because it doesn't everything so much better. But that's okay. Everyone's gotten their ass kicked once or twice in their lives, and most of us know we lost because the other person was better and probably had a bigger penis than you did, there's no shame in losing like that. Unless you're fat and have poor control of your noxious gasses, like one Peter Sanchez, whom I wanted to jump down and strangle this morning. Pete, I'm sorry, but this "sleep farting" has to go, it's really gross.

And these people have some serious trouser snakes. Sorry to spoil it for you again, but Sakura dies. Do you know how hard-core that is? That's like when they killed Robert DeNiro in the middle of Fifteen Minutes. Sakura is the character that the director et al knew that everyone loved most. The busty lively chick, that's everyone's anime dream. Even I felt a little pang of loss as she closed her eyes, because nobody who looks that good in a suit (animated or not) should have to go down like that. Still, I respect the people who did that, and I respect them even more because they didn't bring her back. The "Let The Bitch Die" theorem is operating in full effect today, and you can bet I'm grinning like a retarded hyena. Finally, I hope you're happy. I sacrificed a very excellent "perturbed, off center" picture of Sakura for this one of Beniko. Beniko's kind of a weird character; she's given basically no introduction and is basically just there to be the "bad girl". But I don't get it; she doesn't really do anything except to pretend to be Miho. So what's the point? As far as I can tell she's just there to look cute and then be subsequently abused by the psycho robophile with plans for world domination. It's not a terrible goal, all things considered. In the end, it's sixty bucks for a show that'll provide you with one metric assload of entertainment. Do it for Doctor Powers and all the other English teachers out there. Buy Key and learn how to get the full experience from the things you watch.