Key The Metal Idol
#1: Awakening
Pioneer
210 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
07/25/2000
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Key The Metal Idol
Pioneer
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Being slow is in my blood, it's like they invented the seventh deadly sin with myself directly in mind. I won't say to you that I have excuses for my lateness in updating, because I really don't. A normal person would, given the circumstances I'm in. Exam week is coming up, so a normal person would likely be studying. My twenty first birthday was yesterday so a normal person would've likely spent the night drinking. But with most of my friends being underage and my brother in freaking AMSTERDAM (for reasons unknown) that was right out. So I find myself in a quandary, I hate to reiterate what I say every single review, but here we are. And I'd imagine that I owe the same forced apology to Key: The Metal Idol. See, Key is probably in my all time top of ten animated shows and the three DVD set has been begging me for a review view since the moment it was penned. Please don't think bad of me for it, because Key was some of the very first reviews I ever did, and so their quality is likely to be a bit lacking. The only problem is, each disk of this show clocks in at over three hours long. That's excellent for your average Joe P. Animedork, but for someone like me it's absolute murder. I can barely concentrate on something four episodes long, seven is something akin to a death sentence for yours truly. |
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Fortunately the ever vigilant Kyle D. Prettyman (his real name, except for the parts I made up) suggested we watch this excellent show, and who am I to turn him down? So we settled down about a week ago to watch Key and just finished the first disc last night. If that's not like, an all time record of laziness then I don't know what is. Now, I know some of you might be thinking that it only makes sense to watch something this long over a span of days. You're wrong, and more than that you're stupid. Spreading long discs out are for pussies. Would I watch Lawrence of Arabia in three sittings? Then why the hell would I do the same for anything else. Yeah, it'd seem that I tend to base a lot of things on Lawrence of Arabia, but can you blame me? That's one sweet ass movie, "'orance! 'orance!" I can hear the little Bedouin children call after me as I watch Key and they're proud, because they know that I haven't sacrificed my ideals, and in the process have still managed to get a review your way. Much like when Lawrence killed the very same man who he saved in the desert, I knew that the right choice to make wasn't necessarily the easy one. But unlike Lawrence I faltered, I shot my friend a few times but was unable to bring myself to give the final, killing blow. That, or we only watched five episodes before going to bed which is basically the same thing if you think about it for a minute. |
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And so, also Key's grandfather was unable to finish the destiny he intended for his young ward. While on his he informs Key, the robot, that to truly be human she has to make 30,000 friends. Key, the poor autistic girl that she is, believes him. So the real mystery of the show is the question of whether Key really is a robot, or was just too stupid to get Professor Mima's big joke.
Soon after the death of her grandfather, Key decides to go to Tokyo. Where better to find 30,000 friends than the bustling streets of the big city. Unfortunately for her she's landed herself in a whole heap of trouble, her stupidity was kind of passable in her rural hick town but here in the largest city of the land of the rising sun, the young robot girl can't seem to find a moment's peace. Confirming every suspicion I've ever had about Japanese culture, the first few episodes of the series consist mainly of the young girl being beset by sexual predators of all natures. Key's lucky in the fact that she's so stupid people generally just let her leave. Here's where it really gets good though, everyone that approaches Key in regards to her selling her body through prostitution gets their ass totally annihilated by a giant robot. |
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That's some sweet poetic justice right there, I'm telling you. Sure, you've got to exercise your suspension of disbelief about the fact that a robot can wander around in a trench coat like some sort of metal Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle** and not be noticed by anyone but it's all good, they do a pretty good job taking down the trash that I'd imagine comprises seventy five to eighty percent of Tokyo life, if not a similar percentage of Japan as a whole. People, this is the country that sees the need to put the word for "sexual deviant" in a second year Japanese text book. Something's not exactly working right in that branch of the world. (The word is "chikan", by the way). You might be wondering why I didn't mention robots until now, and if you were to ask I would likely reply that I wanted to keep you in suspense. Though in my mind I'd be thinking about how much a retard you were for not figuring out that a show called "Key: The METAL IDOL" wasn't so chock full of robots that you could melt it down and cover the annual material expenses of Habitat for Humanity for about ten years. Then, when you weren't looking I'd key your car and piss in your gas tank. Hey, ask a stupid question and... get your most prized possession defiled. That's... what my dad always used to say. Buy Key, and give a big middle finger to all the pedophiles in the world. |
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