Hyper Dolls Pioneer 80 minutes Japanese/English English Subtitles 11/21/2000

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If you're a longtime reader of this site then it might seem to you that I'm being a little too lenient in recent reviews. It's true that I have been giving out a whole bunch of favorable ratings, but consider what I'm been looking at. Bubblegum Crisis, Shin Getter Robo. These are what I consider good shows. These shows that I want to watch. It's exceedingly hard for me to give any show with robots a bad rating, because said shows often engender within me some serious sexual arousal. But people like you don't read this site to learn about how much I want to stick my manmeat into some robot's I/O port. At least, I'm assuming that's not the sort of thing you want to read about. I could be wrong, but I hope I'm not. You're more likely reading this site because sometimes I get all drunk and angry and review crappy shows while my inhibitions are low and I feel like I can say whatever I want without drawing the future ire of American anime licensors or the entire population of Japan.

If you're in that kind of demographic, you're in for a treat. This week I'm gonna do nothing but look at shows I've been purposely avoiding because they're so godamn awful they make me cry, literally cry. Seriously, I'm like a little girl around this stuff. Hyperdolls is just one of those shows. It's also one of those two episode OVAs that should've never been made but somehow slipped through quality control multiple times on both sides of the world and somehow end up on my desk. Even though there are millions of people in our respective countries not a single one of them decided to take a time out and suggest to his friend, family member, co-worker, or pet dog that maybe something just wasn't right about this Hyperdolls thing. This is totally uncool. The rest of the world blows.

Hyperdolls is the story of two girls, Mica and Mew, who are saviors of the world and also androids (maybe). Mica is the redhead and Mew is the girl with teal hair who makes fun of Mica for being a fatty. Because that's what the world needs. Everyone in the universe is crying out for another show where the heroines spend more time bickering with each other and teasing their counterparts about their weight (even though they're not fat) than they do fighitng the badguys. Hyperdolls falls into the same pitfall that every other show of its type does, it brings up things that it either assumes are the most important statements in the world and throws them away almost immediately. I don't know where this mentality comes from, because even if you were the director of a two shot OVA I don't understand how you could ascribe so much importance to a universe that occupies less than sixty minutes of time in the entire world. For example, the Speedo-ed man above is called Detective Todo in a fashion that suggests we're supposed to know who he is. Well we don't, because this is the first time he's ever been committed to celluloid. Coincedentally, it's also the last time he'll get a chance to shine.

It's too bad for Detective Todo, but he's just an all too frequent casualty of this type of programming. The show is much too busy putting their female characters in different (sexy) outfits and having them act nothing like a real woman to be bothered with stuff like continuity and exposition. A strange monster that appears out of pizza boxes frequently cautions the girls to never harm protozoan lifeforms, but nobody ever says why. There's a hurdle like this that the viewer has to leap every three seconds in Hyperdolls. I hate this show, hate it. I hate it like I hate Jerry, which is a whole heck of a lot. That someone can sell crap like this with a clean conscience is tantamount to selling defective tires or those cribs that collapse in on themselves and kill the babies inside. What I demand is that there be a "crappy anime show" recall where you get at least a partial refund if you bought a show that gave you herpes and now you're feeling pretty bad about how you used your $20. If your 1972 Pinto's gas tank blew up, as they were prone to do, then I think you would've been well within your right to sue the company. Caveat Emptor my ass, I want my beer money back.