Hellsing #1: Impure Souls Pioneer 75 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles Released: 07/23/2002 Reviewed: 05/09/2006

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Making snap decisions about things is what I would call my "bread and butter", and the realm of Japanese cartoons has never managed to escape my scathing judgment. Now, I wouldn't say that I have some preternatural affinity that allows me to mystically know when something's bad or not. No, more likely it just falls into the realm of common sense, a trait that some people on the world wide internet are severely lacking these days. Usually when I say I hate something, it's because I've seen a trailer on the material and, no matter how it's presented, I don't think the idea of a guy falling in love with his little sister is the makings of the next great Shakespearian drama. And you know what? I've had a pretty good percentage with that stuff too! Oh sure, there are rare occasions where I find something that I totally read the wrong way at first glance. Last week's Azumanga Daioh, fer instance. In general, though, I know what I like. And I'm very good at knowing exactly what trend-of-the-week the animators on the other side of the world are following at the time.

Hellsing, with its snarly, cutesy, 'I'm so dark!' main character, is genetically engineered to appeal to simpering fangirls. At the exact same time its excessive violence, wanton sexuality, and... I don't know, lack of animation, are perfectly suited to that solid majority of the anime-watching populace that were reared on Dragonball Z, but now feel that they need to 'mature' into deeper aspects of the medium. The result is sort of like an animated version of the movie Blade, crapped up and mixed with the insincere theological ponderings of Evangelion. Unlike things that you or I might consider deep, dear reader, all you need to do to impress the majority of Hellsing fans is to spew out some pseudo-religious drivel onto a page and you're all set! I won't claim that everyone who likes this show is a moron, because it does have some redeeming qualities (they are few and far between, however, and most of them involve vampire chickies), but for the most part it just comes off as one of those "Hey guys! We're smart 'coz we've got all this religious stuff in our show!"

And then they show a guy vampire getting a BJ from a girl vampire while he shoots the dead bodies of the family he just murdered with a submachine gun for no reason at all. So, like, maybe it's not really that smart. Where intelligence would normally exist the show decides it's god given right is to be really goddam pretentious. But it has no right to be! There is nothing in this show that would require anything more than the knowledge that things like Christianity and vampires exist, at least as ideas. On its basest level the ideas in Hellsing would make an awesome show. Vampires hunting other vampires with guns and killing things. Come on man! How do you screw that up? Also, the main chick character's a bit of a cutie. I rather like her character design, despite the fact that her breasts grow ten sizes when exposed to vampirism. That bust size explosion is a key factor in what this show has wrong with it. All fluff and no substance. And it's not even good fluff, like cyborgs beating up police officers. Instead it's just a bunch of hot air the creators think is the smartest and most deepest thing that will ever be said in the history of the world. Don't be fooled. There are no deep moments in Hellsing, though lord would they like you to believe that was not the case. For example: it seems like it's a requirement in this show that its main character, Alucard, give a long winded, boring speech to the main bad guy right before he offs him. He teases his prey, usually saying that they're a cut-rate vampire and other such taunts. You want to know why? Because cocky main characters are so goddam hardcore!!

Predictably, Alucard tends to get shot up after his speeches, though smarter badguys would probably try to pre-empt his soliloquies. Alucard gets massively shot up, pornographically shot up. We're talking about total dismemberment of any and all appendages. Want to know why they do that? Because invulnerable characters that can't die are so goddam hardcore!! The sole saving grace of these violent escapades is that, unlike Elfen Lied, it's not at all graphic. The REASON it's not at all graphic, however, the animation is so effing piss poor that at times it's hard to discern what pieces belong to Alucard and what pieces are chunks of wood and stone flying off the background. It's like the Japanese subcontracted the animation out to their cheaper Korean counterparts who in turn subcontracted it out to monkeys. Well trained monkeys, I guess -- the ability to draw AT ALL is a very admirable trait in the monkey kingdom -- but monkeys all the same. But animation is never a deal breaker with me, it's just one more potato in the pot of why this show is crap. Its problems like much deeper in the fact that Hellsing is clearly so proud of every little gesture, movement, and quip of dialogue it makes that it just becomes one smorgasbord of cliches. The young girl turned into a vampire against her will who at some point will lash out at the vampire that changed her? Check! I haven't seen that far into the show yet, but I've got a good feeling that's how it all "goes down".