Fake

60 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
12/19/2000

Have you ever heard a song that's sucks so bad you want to throw your stereo out the window, but then the chorus is so awesome you want to marry the singer (But first you want to invent a time machine so you can travel back and stop your past-self from throwing away a perfectly good stereo)? Because that's what Fake's opening song is like. It's about five minutes along, and really the only good part is the ridiculous English chorus of "Everybody shake your buddy! Dance! Dance! Dance!" That part of the song is pure perfection, sure, but at what cost? I mean, you've got wade through like a minute to get to the good part, and that's just if you're listening to the TV-edit!
And if you are that means you're probably watching the show. Do you know what THAT means? Nothing good certainly, because Fake contains nothing good. Boy/boy love is pretty much the general thing the writers/animators seem to be going for. In fact, if I were to be totally honest with you people... I might say that that picture of two guys kissing wasn't actually one of the worst things that went on during this show.

That would most certainly be a lie, of course, as man-love is not something I can really respect in my entertainment. So even though there's more logical paradoxes and senseless behavior than you'd think would be possible to fit into something that's only an HOUR LONG, it's the man love that gets me the most. This is especially true because it seems like they just threw the rest of this "detective show" business around it just to have an excuse to show two guys making out. This thing is like porn except without the hard-core sex (Not that I'm complaining about the lack).
See, Ryo and Dee are big shot New York detectives who are taking a paid vacation to a secluded bed and breakfast in England. 1) Paid vacation? Yeah right! 2) On a New York cop's salary? Yeah right! But then again this is anime and it's a fantasy and maybe we can let some of that stuff slide, it's the least of our worries right about now. After all, this is the show where two cartoon dudes could hook up at any moment, and I am not entirely fond of that. I spent it all with my hand ready to shoot up and cover any 'packages' that might pop up. A red robin shot out of nowhere during this and I tore my right eye out, I was just playing it safe... didn't want to see anything remotely relating to 'bird'.

Really though, I'll put the gay jokes aside now. This show freaking sucks. I'd imagine the people who made this envisioned it as the newer, homosexual Japanese Columbo because they show you the killer at the beginning of the film. I'll give you one guess as to who it is, he's in one of those pictures up there. If you guessed "Mongoloid red dwarf in red kerchief" then you win! But unfortunately we here at fan-service.com work like a lottery and since EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD guessed that answer, your share of the prize money boils down to somewhere between a quarter and a third of one penny.
I hate it when stuff like that is telegraphed. I hate it almost as much as I hate when the ugly guy turns out to have the heart of gold, maybe even takes a bullet for the main character. Why can't the ugly guy just be normal? Why does he even have to have a part in the show at all? The ugly guy in this show sort of saves the main character's life when he's trying to kill him, but it's completely by accident.

What happened anyway? Well the owner of this inn hates Japanese people because some Japanese Americans killed off his daughter, so for the past five years he's been killing off every Japanese guest he's had. First, why hasn't anyone noticed this. Second, where are all these Japanese people coming from?! Does this not disturb every else? It seems like he's got a pretty good supply, as there's no less than THREE OF THEM at the inn during the course of this show. Of course, the Japanese girl at the right gets killed because someone has to die and it certainly can't be the main character.
But apparently it doesn't matter anyway because once the owner of the inn is arrested the police sprayed "forgetful gas" all over the place and the group goes about to doing the old man "a favor" in burning the portrait of his daughter. Fuck you old man! I'd break that shit over your head and proceed to beat you with a chair leg. Then, as it's burning, the thirteen year old girl says "You know, I can't bring myself to hate him." Sure you can't, even though he's been KILLING PEOPLE FOR FIVE YEARS! Jesus Christ! What kind of fucked up morals is this show teaching people? I mean come on! Then after that what happens? The comic relief gay guy comes running up to pester one of the lead gay guys. Hilarity ensues!
I won't even start about the two thirteen year olds who somehow managed to get to England. Why did they go to England. To settle a bet? Even worse, a bet for ONE DOLLAR! I hate this show so much!