El Hazard: The Alternative World #1: The Priestess Of Water Pioneer 100 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 08/17/1999

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I find that as my time at my current job comes to a close, it's getting harder and harder to stay the full length of the day. It all started when I realized my boss was giving me seven hours a day when I was only working four, and was too stupid to understand that he was grossly overpaying me. So, I say to myself "Self..." I say, "If he's paying me for seven and I'm only working four, why not work three and a half? Or three even!" I've always been a fan of my negotiating style, and this was no exception! Thusly, I find myself home before one every day and that leaves me with no paucity of time to devote to whatever I want. But what do I want most to dedicate my time to? In a purely literal sense, I mostly want to work my ass off hiding the secret shame that is this website's three year old past. While it might be selfish of me, the end results are new reviews for you! Technically they're not entirely new, but I suppose that's where the term "rereview" came from. Either way, you're fortunate bastards.

I, however, am not. This site causes me to make judgment calls every day and not just solely about whether I should bash the right or left side of that dirty Filipino's skull. No, I have the power to make or destroy (in Andrew's eyes anyway) whatever I review just like that. The problem is that shows like THIS crop up. El Hazard : The Alternative World certainly doesn't deserve a 2, but it sure as hell doesn't deserve a 4 either. So it gets a 3, right? Only problem is that better shows get 3s too, and that hardly seems fair to them. So what is a guy to do? I've decided to invent a "Bad 3" rating. Wherever you see the 'bad 3' it kind of means "This show is okay to watch, but probably not to buy". Such is the case with El Hazard : Another shitty too long subtitle. Makoto and the rest of the gang living in the pseudo-Arabian world is back, and it's certainly a time for celebration! Miz Mishtal is getting married to the super-badass drunk and disorderly Mr. Fujisawa and since she can't perform her duties while he's giving her the high hard one (they don't explicitly say this, but isn't that ALWAYS the reason?) they need a replacement, and that replacement comes in the ditzy (as they always are!) and very shy (check and double check!) Qwaoor. She looks basically like a mini-Miz with a similar annoyance-factor. And everyone seems to think she's super-hot.

But I guess I just don't see it. First off, she's like sixteen, and I don't like to make judgment calls like that. Second, she's just a boring stupid character. Of course, these are also the people who seem to think eating what looks suspiciously like bug anus is delicious. I suppose as compared to the "hair in the eyes" Afura Mann and the thirteen year old lech in the making Alielle she's a pretty good looker, but you'd have to pretty heavily examine your competition. That's like saying dog tastes better than dirt and cockroaches. Sure it might, but I have no desire to eat any of the three. So please stop asking me Jerry. And El Hazard, please stop asking me to like Qwaoor. She has a stupid name and she's a stupid character. If you want to thrust someone forward as the embodiment of all that is cool and awesome, why not use the feisty redhead Shayla-Shayla? Voiced by a personal favorite "tough girl" type of mine, Melissa Williamson (Echidna in The Bouncer and Bloodberry in Saber Marionette J. A typecast voice actor if I ever saw one). Coincidentally, this may be the same Melissa Williamson who was the vocalist for the Silent Hill 3 soundtrack. If this is the case then I want to not only marry this woman, but take her, Christine M. Auten, and maybe a little dash of Hillary Haag in there for flavor, mix them all up into some genetically enhanced SUPER voice actress and then marry the product of that.

And I'd probably make them/her/it wear an eyepatch and cut their hair short too, but that's just the way my crazy obsession love goes. Anyway, as far I'm concerned this dub is pretty good. There's some serious misappropriate inflection, and ANY proper name with an "R" in it immediately gets changed to an "L". That's annoying, but certainly bearable. The actors all do a pretty good job with their parts, except for Melissa Charles as Alielle. She was cool as Radical Edward in Cowboy Bebop but here it's the same spiel with a slightly more annoying character. You people know I am most certainly NOT down with that. El Hazard: The Alternative World is just something I can't entirely endorse. It gets major points for being an anime that features characters nearly 30 in leading roles, and NOT as parents no less! But at the end of the day it's still the thirteen and sixteen year olds that are going around saving the world, and that's something I don't believe I'll particularly care for.