Dragonball Z #5 : Doom Pioneer 65 minutes English Dubbed 06/01/1999

Kai : I'm sure you've heard the joke, how many Saiyajins does it take to build a rocket ship?   Goku's training is nearing an end. As a final task, King Kai tells Goku to beat Gregory, the super fast grasshopper, over the head with a sledgehammer. Normally this would be an easy task for the heart of gold Superman ripoff but no luck here, the gravity is still ten times that of earth. Should the task be accomplish (which it is, duh) King Kai will teach Goku the techniques of Kaio-Ken and the Spirit Bomb. The Spirit Bomb is a ridiculously powerful attack that drains energy from the planet, the more energy the planet has, the more powerful the attack. He then goes into a long story about the history of the Saiyajins. The planet Mechita was home to two races, the Saiyajins and the Tuffles.** The Tuffles were highly technologically advanced, having things like air travel and cappuccino, the Saiyajins were still living like cave men. The smart people didn't pay attention to the stupid ones because they were so few in number, and what could they do anyway? Little did the know that they were living on borrowed time. The Saiyajins attacked and destroyed every last one of the Tuffles, then they set out into business on their own. Their first client was the Alcosians, they gave the Saiyajins the technology they needed to conquer planet, as long as they left a very specific one behind for their gracious benefactors. This is how the Saiyajins started sending babies to destroy the inhabitants of planets, the weak-ass planets that couldn't even kill babies.

Back in the real world, Kame and Mr. Popo (The little black tar-baby guy) inform the Earth Defense Squad that their training is done, and they're as good as they're gonna get for the defense of the Earth. The only problem is, they ain't even close to cutting it. That's why they need to collect the Dragon Balls and wish Goku back from the other dimension (hell), only that fat pig (literally) Oolong tries to wish for the two invading Saiyajins to be destroyed. The dragon informs Oolong that he's an idiot, and he cannot grant wishes outside the scope of his power, then grants the original wish. Is anyone else confused by the fact that they wish Goku back from the dead, but he STILL has to make his own way back along Snake Way? Why even wish him back at all then? Seems like kinda a waste of time. So here we are, the Saiyajins have landed. luckily, thanks to crappy American dubbing, nobody's been hurt! Listen to some key examples. Vegita : Too bad it's Sunday, those buildings would've been filled up tomorrow. Tien : Look! I can see their parachutes! Yamcha : They're okay!

Yup, nobody ever gets hurt or dies in Dragon Ball Z, that'd be just plain mean. That police helicopter that just blew up was just a cargo robot. Nobody cares when robots die, they're our SLAVES! Take that robot kind, just don't over throw us in a grisly metal revolution, our world isn't equipped to handle any kind of robot plague... as I think we all know. Our world isn't equipped to handle a bunch of freakin' plant men either. As the fat and lazy Yajarobi plays PR man and convinces all the newspaper journalists to buy him food, the rest of the Earth Defense Force squares off with the Saibamen, foes grown out of some magic beans the Saiyajin Nappa carries around with him. I can't see how anything that grows out of the ground and doesn't have the word "Iron" or "Wood" attached to its name could be tough at all. Has anyone ever played Guardian Heroes for Sega Saturn? Hell! The plant guys in that didn't even move, they just sat there and waited for me to "Shadowless Dance" the hell out of them while Greg shot everyone else with his GIANT LASER spell. Guardian Heroes was a great game, one of the defining moments of our time.

So in conclusion, why do the Saiyajins toy with people? It must take FOREVER for them to destroy a planet, why not getting started instead of wasting time with stupid planet people who probably only have a power level of like... 200... max. Why isn't Goku back immediately, and why does it only take him two days get back along Snake Way when it took him NINE MONTHS to go the same distance. King Kai says it's his training, but my guess is it's the ridiculous amounts of homoerotic overtones.

**I'm serious, that's what he says. TUFFLES