Dragonball Z #2 : The Saiyajins Pioneer 65 minutes English Dubbed 05/11/1999

Goku : If I was any more whipped I'd be butter

Let's go with the awesome budget releases! Before most people know what a "Tenchi Muyo" was, before the world was acclimated to the shrill cry of the Pikachu... there was the English language version of Dragon Ball Z. This is back in the day when they didn't even TRY to make the intros to the episodes anything like the Japanese ones. At ten dollars a disc it's still not really a good deal. Doesn't that just piss you off? That's like wasting forty quarters on Centipede just to beat it. Sure you conquered a game from the time before 256 colors existed but what's the point? For that matter can you even BEAT centipede? I've gotten pretty far in that damn game and they start recycling levels pretty quick. Of course in the 80's you always knew they were recycling levels because the background colors started repeating. Remember Gauntlet? After you got to about level 102 the walls started looking AWFULLY familiar. What does this have to do with the show? Well, nothing, but I fooled you again... suckers. I think eventually people are going to figure out that the first two paragraphs are just utter crap and should be avoided at all costs.

So this is where the diabolics of my little scheme comes in, it's the second paragraph right now and I MIGHT got into content already! For shame Dave! For SHAME! Anyway, Goku's in the land of the dead traveling along Snake Way to receive some high quality training from king Kai. Gohan is being trained in the wilderness by Piccolo, and the two evil Saiyajins (correct spelling!), Vegita and Nappa, are on their way to earth to pretty much kick ass and take names. Let's start with little kids. Luckily we're graced by the fact that we don't have to take in any views of Gohan's growing "manhood", if anyone was scarred by that it was definitely me, afraid to watch anime for the rest of my life? Well I came pretty damn close. Gohan is told by Piccolo to survive in the wilderness, and if he DOES then the big green guy will start him along his training, doesn't that just kind of suck? Well, with the management skills of Panda Go Panda's Mimiko, Gohan goes about collecting food, starting fires, and evading hostile dinosaur attack after hostile dinosaur attack. Tell me where on earth you can find this magical dinosaur fun land because I just can't seem to figure it out. I felt like I was transported into The Land Before Time the similarities were there, but I couldn't decide if it was the first movie or the seventeenth one. Dear god! Do you know how many of those damn things they made? How the hell was it the "land before time" anyway, I think "the land before recorded history" would've been a much more appropriate title and we would've had a lot less six year olds trying to debunk the theory of time with their hypothesis of "If the dinosaurs existed before time, how can time really exist at all?" Hold on there kid Doogie Howser, the only Einsteins I like to listen to are the ones that I triple tap in the head with my Glock while playing the best selling computer game Half-Life. If you don't want to take a nine millimeter slug to the cranium, maybe you better just stick to your freakin' Teletubbies or Bananas in Pajamas or whatever mush the corporate world spits out to brainwash our children into thinking having names like "One" and "Two" is okay.

So while Gohan's making his way cutting the tail off a dinosaur everyday to have a nice steak for breakfast, and Goku's hitching a ride on the back of the streetcleaner's car in the land of the dead, the task of telling Chi Chi that her husband is dead and her son has been kidnapped by the most evil person in the world goes to Kuririn, AKA Krillin, AKA Krirrin, AKA whatever the hell else he's called. Let me tell you that boy is pussy whipped. While Chi Chi isn't even his wife I can definitely tell she'd be the one wearing the pants around ANY man, for the strongest martial artists in the world these guys really need to grow some balls around the womenfolk. Ah yes, and as the disc comes to a close we find that our Saiyajin buddies have made a pitstop in a planet called Arlia, the plan? To kill EVERYONE on it. Doesn't that just sound like a blast and a half? No.