New Cutey Honey #1 ADV 100 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 11/21/2000

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Well I've been back in college for a few weeks now and you know what that means. Long term readers of the site will recognize that once the school year's started my already painfully low work efforts drop down to basically zero. And when I'm not hitting up Jerry and Skabs at Park Towne Place anime becomes a hidden fact of my past that I'd care not to remember. Or so I try to remind myself when I'm talking to a girl whose pants I'd like to get into. Like all gamers of the older school I understand that there are some hobbies you just don't TELL people about. That's why when I go to parties (DID go to parties, more specifically) I'd be sure not to be wearing my Gunsmith Cats shirt with the authentic Katakana at it. And when we went to Otakon I was sure to play as dumb as I could to anything anime related. Except the Dirty Pair, of course, but we all have our vices. I guess some of you might hope for a day when a person can flaunt their interests with no regards to public coolness. But for now I'm just going to avoid using my top Time Crisis II scores to mack on chicks.

For example, Cutey Honey is something I think the world could do better without. And you know for damn sure that when I was watching it for the purpose of a review last Tuesday I couldn't jump up and turn it off fast enough when one of my room mate's friends stopped by. And I'm not gonna lie, this kid is the biggest dork on the planet. You want to know what's sad? HE can drive, legally. Which is something I'm starting to think I'll never be able to do. It's all good though, the only real problem I have is having to sit shotgun when a girl's driving. That's just plain embarrassing. Just like Cutey Honey is. Even though Go Nagai is the man, and I'm not gonna say we haven't been through some good times together. Who can forget classics like Getter Robo and Mazinger Z? But Mister Nagai is a dorky looking guy, and a dorky looking guy who likes to draw boobies at that. So while I respect the man for bringing me the gallons of fighting robots that I love, I could deal without having to keep my door locked while I'm watching this damn show so that people don't come in and think I'm a closet pervert. I guess keeping my pants on would help too.

So anyway, Cosplay City is under attack by the lord of evil (with one big unibrow) Dolmeck, and his sister... the naked robot preteen. The city needs someone to bring it out of its crime filled past and into the... safety of the future, or something. It's some bullshit that nobody cares about anyway. So we'd assume this is Mayor Light, but he doesn't even appear in the show after the first episode. It's actually his assistant, Honey Kisaragi! She's a girl with the power to transform into like fifty different revealing costumes** AND get naked at the same time. Hell, sometimes she just forgoes the costume all together and gets right down to the naked fighting. If a naked chick fighting isn't sexy then I better take six train to Bellevue and check myself in 'cause I'm one crazy bastard! Crazy for naked! The only real problem is Honey's tits aren't the only thing made out of silicone. Seems she's some sort of ultrapowerful fighting robot. This point gets brought up once, but it doesn't seem to stop everyone from wanting a piece of that ace. I don't know what's up with that. Seems like everyone in Cosplay City is a robot sympathizer or something. And if there's one thing I hate more than a robot, it's a robot lover. I think I've probably went over this before. Though I have to be honest, when she's kickin' it with the red hair and sword. Part of me wants to inspect her hydraulics. Maybe just a little.

And out of everything that's not good about this show, the one thing that really burns my balls is I can't find a soundtrack for it. I'm not saying the score of the show is a work of art, far from it. It's just that I really want Saline's "Burning Up!" from the third episode and I've been trying to get my hands on it for basically two years now. If you have this song in any way, shape or form, contact me and we'll work something out. Provided you're not just going to sell me a flaming bag of poop. That'd just be mean. So it's an incredibly average and pretty boring fan-service show and that's about it. Which is why you'd think I'd give it a good review. Only you obviously don't understand that concept behind fan-service.com and what we do here. This is the reason I really need to get that disclaimer typed up. Oh well, one of these days. Which, judging by my review schedule, could be any day now! But I wouldn't hold your breath.

**Yeah, so all the screenshots in this review are Honey. ALL of them.