The Legend Of Crystania ADV 75 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 02/08/2000

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The phrase "spiritual sequel" is bandied around so much nowadays, for whatever reason, that it's hard for me not to build up an ire for its use much along the lines of Andrew's sheer hatred for the word 'plethora' and all the would-be reviewers out there who find it necessary to stick it into every other article without any acknowledgment that YES there are indeed other words out there. In many cases, to me, saying "spiritual sequel" is a total cop out. I feel like whenever someone describes something as that to me, I should brace myself for the unyielding wave of crap that's going to follow in the wake of all that. I've tried to use it sparingly enough on this site, and I think twice in over two hundred and fifty articles... well, you could get a lot less than that much effort, right? It is me we're talking about here. But for better or worse, Legend of Crystania is labeled a spiritual sequel. I don't have a textbook definition of the phrase or anything, but I think when something goes so far as to include two relatively major characters from its inspiring source (The Record of Lodoss War) then it stops being so much 'spiritual' and much more just 'a sequel'. You would think that, but Crystania is so tangential that I think it's going to have its own freaking TRIANGLE named after it.

Ashram and Pirotase, whom you might remember from Record of Lodoss War escaped to some island in the middle of nowhere about three hundred years prior to the beginning of Crystania. Which is weird, because I could've sworn they got their asses burned up in a volcano or something. The island, apparently is yet another cursed island. So far the Lodoss universe has provided us with two cursed islands and not a single continent, not even a SUBcontinent. If they did, I would imagine it would also be cursed. Everything in the Lodo-verse would appear to be. But for all that cursing going around, it really doesn't seem to darken anyone's day. It's pretty much fantasy anime business as usual. So, three hundred years later we focus on the youthful lad Redon, son to the king. However, he's not to be son for much longer as his father (and the family dog) gets BRUTALLY MURDERED by the deputy and his band of detractors within the first ten minutes. You might think this would cause the young lad some serious grief, but he takes it in stride. Unfortunately, this sets up a woeful precedent for the world of Crystania. In this movie subplots are NEVER resolved, but that doesn't stop them from cropping up like onion grass wherever they damn well please.

If you were an alien with ten hands, you might have enough hands to count how many plot threads Crystania presents and then completely ignores within the span of a minute to two minutes. I am not an alien, but you might be. And if you had ten hands then you might be able to reconcile the burgeoning sense of doubt this movie inspires, because at least you would have a physical medium within which to place it. Oh, were it only to be so. As I do not have ten hands, I am not able to accomplish this Herculean feat. Crystania does make some attempts towards the resolution of plot, but it's not as if it matters. Decisions in this movie are so arbitrary and nonsensical the characters might as well just have turned into freaking PINK ELEPHANTS halfway through and danced the god damn hula. At one point two characters are astride a horse at the top of a cliff. One character says "Oh no, my horse won't be able to make it down. We'll have to walk." Instead of waiting patiently, as horses often do, the trusty steed hurls itself to its death rather than force its master and his elf girlfriend to walk the two hundred feet down to the bridge they were trying to reach. I mean... what the hell? I won't even go into detail on how half the cast can turn into animals for a reason that's given only the briefest of lip service.

And while I try not to let animation cloud my judgment ever, Crystania has some really, really poor animation. It's true that good quality stuff won't make a bad show worth watching, if this was the case then I'd actually care what Ken Akamatsu was doing. The converse is not true. Bad quality animation can make bad show absolutely unbearable. The concept of shadow and depth completely elude the creators of Crystania. The movie could've just as easily taken place with a series of cardboard cutouts. As far as I'm concerned it'd be a step up. There's nothing good about Crystania, at all. Even if you like fantasy anime, even if you loved Lodoss War. Even if you wanted to have Lodoss War's BABIES I still wouldn't recommend this show. The only reason I have good memories of it at all is because of the fond times shared with Joel and Greg lambasting it for the absolute pile of rubbish that it is. Try as I might, I can't give even the most peripheral reason why someone might want to see this. Bad animation, bad plot, bad decisions, and a dub where half the characters seem like they're constantly constipated. I'm befuddled as to why I own Legend of Crystania, but I'm even more befuddled as to why someone would SELL me it.