Ninja Cadets

60 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
01/25/2000

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I would like to think that I have some sort of sense of taste. Maybe. I mean, there's a variety of Bubblegum Crisis merchandise adorning every corner of my room, fine, so I'm not 100% the best judge of character that I could be at all times. All things considered, everyone's got their own thing. There's no accounting for one little quirk or any of that. All the same, when I watch something that's not related to that paragon of Kenichi Sonoda character designs and Hey Mr. Dandy musical action, I've gotta hope that it conveys some sort of sense of purpose to me. I'm not entirely (just mostly) above the idea of something that contains a significant amount of fluff... but I don't think it's too often you'll sway me to say I actually like it.

Unless it's from the 80s, or something. That's probably a couple points in its favor.

Ninja Cadets is -- and please stop me if you've heard this before -- yet another one of those 90s OVAs that hoped to be something more than it wasn't and, instead, ended up being nothing at all. The story is so positively uninteresting that I'll only give it a bit of lip service at the end. Instead, let me clue you in on the machinations of my complicated mindset. Mediablasters went and released this two episode series (that obviously wants to be more than two episodes) pretty early in the whole career of the anime business, which was about the same time I was buying DVDs up like a storm for no other reason than I wanted to waste time at work typing up reviews of them. That, for what it's worth, is why I own Ninja Cadets.
Or did own it, as it's been sold for the handsome sum of $8. Which means, all things considered, I've lost about $12 by buying this. Now, fortunately, I've got a very "here and now" perspective as far as money is concerned. So instead of a net loss of $12, I see it as an investment in the past to provide $8 towards my utility bills now. The way my brain works, that money was just as quickly spent on food or other perishables as it would be on any sort of DVD. By buying Ninja Cadets I have opened the door into a life where I don't technically have to eat $0.25 pasta every day of the week until the end of time.

I technically don't, no, but I will. Because even as I relate this two you, I'm sizing up other things for possible sacrifice in the future. As far as gradual income goes, I guess I could do worse... but probably not too much worse. Likely I'd be better served locking my income into some 6 or 12 month high interest account, but... you could also make the argument that I could be sitting here jamming my money into condoms, feeding the condoms to cows, and hoping they don't burst on the way through. I would say that buying Ninja Cadets four years ago is probably the mid point between those two.
What I can relate to you about the story and characters of this show is going to be scant, at best. I had trouble paying attention to it from the get go, and it starts with a GIANT ROBOT BLOWING STUFF UP. Then it flashes to chicks in a lake, and then later the chicks find themselves in a hot spring and totally start to undress each other (sort of). Where this is concerned, I'm reminded of the now defunct Old Man Murray's "Time to Crate". In summation, it was a benchmark where the time until you reached the first crate in a video game (most notably a First Person Shooter) was inversely proportional to the suckitude of the game. The shorter the time to reach that first crate, the worse a game would be. Notably, Ninja Cadets has a "Time to Hot Spring" of less than fifteen minutes. That means that barely 1/6 of the show has occurred before two chicks are sitting naked in a pool of hot water.

Wow. Just wow. I mean, I think even Ranma has a longer "TTHS" than that, and I'm pretty sure the only thing that show is about is hot springs. That put a damper on my mood for the last 50 minutes of my show, about which I didn't give too terribly much thought. One of the female ninjas is a secret princess in disguise who people are trying to capture/protect, unbeknownst to her. I think it's the redheaded spunky one voiced by Sandy Fox. But, like I said, I really couldn't bring myself to care in even the slightest, most pathetic way.

I'm still grateful for this story that's totally uninteresting and bland in one very special regard. Had I bought something of monumental, land mark proportions, how would I justify selling it just so I could be kept in the necessities of life like food, water, and cable? I couldn't! But since Ninja Cadets is just another trite tale woven by people who got funding for reasons only god would know. So bless you Ninja Cadets, bless you for the $8 you graced upon me this month. But next time, try just a little harder, maybe.