Burst Angel #1: Angel of Death Funimation 100 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles Released: 05/10/2005 Reviewed: 06/16/2005

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From now on I'm going to ignore anime that has anything resembling a female character. I'm not even kidding. The "burst angel", from what I can gather, is the platinum haired lady featured above and to the left. I find her a rather fetching character design, though I'm notably not as reviled by her bizarre crotchless pants as Joel is. From now on my anime purchases are going to be exclusively relegated to masculine crap like Fist of the Northstar, where the girl is only on screen long enough to get pushed around (and possibly have her shirt torn off). While I was complaining the other day about the state of anime forums on the internet, Andrew queried to me whether the average anime fan could even read. I told him that more likely than not they could read, at least at some minor level of proficiency, but the true question was whether or not they had time to read with all that porn out there to masturbate to. Suffice it to say, with all the copious amount of porn available on the internet Mr. John Q. Anime fan simply doesn't have the time to make the right, moral choices in their cartoon habit.

Clearly, Funimation also needs to start making better choices. First Kiddy Grade, now this. It's like they're not even trying to satiate me. Then again, this is probably with good reason, as the majority of anime fans aren't me. I'm starting to feel really about about lambasting every free DVD Funimation sends down the pipe to our little anime club. I actually had half a hope that Burst Angel would be good, or at least palatable, but I guess that's just my blind ruminations. I know how I would make a show where the main character is a girl with white hair and a scarf. Jo, as she's called, is appealing enough I guess. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for tough girls with short hair and ridiculous fashion sense. Too bad our girl is surrounded by a team of losers. Meg is the redhead that goes with Jo on missions (they're bounty hunters, I guess) for the sole purpose of getting captured by giant robots and space mutants. She carries something that looks like a .38, but I'm pretty sure it's just a cap pistol. She never fires it and I'm not willing to believe anyone on the team would trust her with a real gun.

The "business end" of the team is rounded out by Amy and Sei. Amy is twelve years old and, predictably, the computer expert. There's an absolutely disturbing shot of her pantied ass in the first or second episode that I felt legitimately dirty about taking a picture of. Suffice it to say, if you WANT to see it then there's something wrong with you. I have no similar compunctions about Sei, who appears to be the team leader, possessing the special ability to not have any nipples. In a perfect world I could at least like the girls on the team that are visibly older than thirteen. Sei because she's not of highschool age, Meg because the girl wanders around in a choker and a cowboy hat. And Jo? Well, Jo has platinum hair. Jerry can tell you about that. These are the kind of girls that you want to buy breakfast for -- if you know what I mean -- but in the dastardly clutches of the animators they're converted to just so so many splatters of paint and stereotype. They are a super-mega pastiche of every other girls-n'-guns anime that's come down this rancid pipeline in the past. All screaming and whiney and annoying, like a cavalcade of twelve year olds. But also half naked. I could also do without the ridiculous strands of hair that every character is contractually obligated to have shooting out of their head.

As if you're surprised, the superbly milquetoast Kyo is added to the mix. Ostensibly hired as a cook, he takes up his new job title as "blithering idiot among big breasted women" with supreme gusto. Greg Ayres does a remarkable impersonation of Spice Spencer and mimics the "bleah!!"s and "uwaaah!!"s of your standard harem anime with aplomb. He then manages to completely disappear after the second episode. The casual viewer makes the assumption that he's never to be seen again. If only the rest of the cast could manage to fall off the map like he did! As if we could be so lucky. I don't see much of a future in a show with no characters, but my best estimates rank it in a slightly higher category than Burst Angel. Studio Gonzo proves once again that they're highly proficient in making very pretty crap and Funimation is quick to pick it up and package it to the thousands of anime fans that will buy said crap again and again. Despite cool screencaps like the one pictured left, Burst Angel is nothing that would appeal to someone who's gained the ability to breathe through their nose. Lucky for Funimation that the majority of the anime populace probably hasn't made that evolutionary leap yet. When I said Funimation needed to start making better choices on what they licensed, I guess I was just saying they need to make better choices for me. Oh well, maybe next time.