Bubblegum Crisis #3 AnimEigo 99 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 2/02/1999

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There's a point in your life when you run into a girl who's so unbelievably hot that you find it easy to deal with the fact that everything that comes out of her mouth reeks worse than an overflowing septic tank if it means you're going to get a piece of that action. Recently, this girl has come in my life in the form of Candy, someone who I'd happily spend my life working that cooze like nobody's business. But I swear to god if I have to listen to her talk about people being mean to waitresses or one of those inane theories that no one over the age of six should even be thinking about someone's gonna die and I can't promise it's me. It's like hanging around with a retarded acrobat. Sure, the sex might be unbelievable, but after it's over you're not exactly trying to hang around for the brilliant conversation about how they can't stop making "doodoo" in their adult diapers. Bubblegum Crisis is, and likely always will be, my really hot girl. If they want to do annoying subplots and piss me off by introducing yet ANOTHER robot killing pop idol then fine as long as they keep the sweet, sweet music over action coming. Anyone who wants to do a flying ninja kick into a giant robot while a melodramatic 80's rock song plays is okay by me.

And melodrama is what this show has in spades. Someone is always whining to be saved and there's more near escapes than I'd care to mention here. I'm not exactly sure what voodoo spell makes a three minute self-destruct countdown drop to 15 seconds, but I certainly don't want to run into the Bokor who can fandango that one up. It's anime, so I guess this isn't really something ground breaking, but everything in this show is so overstated it's unbelievable. I think it really hits me because it seems like it should be something normal. Cyberpunk is not a genre known for its flamboyance, by the eighth episode I feel like the creators forgot what kind of show they were making it. Suddenly it turns into a bouncy comedy where everyone's making googly faces when things don't go the way they expect. Then there's the nipple shot that I should've seen coming as soon as I realized the awful trail the episode was meandering down.

Thankfully Linna's Aerobic Theme makes a comeback during, what else, the generic 80's montage. It's so ridiculously clichéd that they actually do that thing where they insert frames of a clock to show the passage of time throughout the day. I remember watching this back in the day and praying for the part where the boomers came in and massacred everyone so we the director wouldn't have to kill himself for this failed attempt at comedy. All in all, I think I prefer even Priss's whining to a Nene-centric episode. Not that I have anything specific against Nene, but she's got too many weird fans that are right in line in my hit list after all the Priss fans. I think if I had to say I liked any one of the girls it'd have to be Linna, precisely because of the reason that everyone else hates her. Linna doesn't do JACK. She comes in, kills the robots, get the paycheck, leaves. She doesn't whine all the time or threaten to avenge any person that they happened to meet earlier that day. And among all them she's the only one with a halfway decent character design. You could actually meet a girl like Linna going down the street, but only if you had a time machine that'd take you back to when haircuts like that were popular for some ungodly reason**.

I know, I know. I'm really trashing the show, and to be honest... it kind of deserves it. It's "campy" in the respect that the scant bits of English used in it are absolutely mangled. The computer mentions that Nene is on today's "fist shift" and that's the only one of a dozen that I even cared to write down. If there was a plot going on it's pretty much completely forgotten after Largo's killed because there's no more deliciously evil people that the Knight Sabers can just go out and kill in a great big battle. I miss those, because every time a robot blows up a kitten is born. And judging by the distinct lack of kittens recently, not enough robots have died. Though, to their credit, they do well in making every episode feel like a movie. This is a time when an OVA was something more than a "Non-TV TV show". And if there's music over action then even a character filling up his truck at a gas station can seem exciting! Don't let my love for all things Bubblegum Crisis sway you. Much like Candy, it's an acquired taste at best, and at worst: an experience prompting a discovery of one's desire to end their life.

**Please note that I think short hair is the hottest thing in the world.