Battle Athletes Victory #8: The Human Race Pioneer 85 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 12/14/1999

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It was my original intention not to even write up anything about the last disc of this show. I kinda thought I would just put something like, "I am thoroughly convinced that the final four episodes of Battle Athletes Victory do not exist," and leave it at that. But then I got to thinking, I mean, there's just so much stuff that needs to be talked about here, in the most bizarre plot arc that any series has taken in the history of the entertainment medium. If you think you've seen something weirder, you're wrong. If you actually enjoy this last part you're not only wrong, but I hate you too. Let's run down the list really quick. Mister Miracle is revealed to be Akari's father in a surprise twist I certainly never saw coming. They meet up, quite by accident, at the grave of her mother only to have it be attacked BY ALIENS. But why?! Who knows! Thanks to the spirit and vigor of Headmaster Grand Oldman they're rescued and spirited away to Area 51. What's in Area 51? A captured alien admiral who looks more like a pedophile than anything else. This admiral explains that there's this Queen space alien that goes around conquering planets via athletic events, which I figure is basically tantamount to saying she's retarded, because what the hell are you doing with athletic competitions when you have laser beams capable of blowing up the Eiffel Tower?

 

I can't answer that, you can't answer that. Frankly, I have serious doubts that the people who made it have any idea. But I have the feeling that they ran out of all the juice they were using to power the haphazard pacing of this show and realized there was no possible way they could extend the ending another four episodes. So what happens then? ALIENS! But these aren't just your normal aliens, no, these are aliens born and bred for the magnificent, world owning sports competitions. Some are part car, some are part cannon, some recite the Konami code for no real reason other than they just do. See people? This is what happens when you don't plan out your series, you end up with four episodes of dead space and no idea what to do with them! Then what starts to happen? You're throwing in car aliens and boat aliens and aliens that have no purpose other than to look really, really dumb. What's next, a clichéd betrayal subplot that never really goes anywhere? Uh, okay, maybe. It's kind of weird that the guy who was giving Mister Miracle medicine to keep him alive was also the one that was poisoning him. Why poison him if he's gonna die anyway? I don't know. I guess it's not really any less believable than nobody raising a fuss about a sixteen year old Russian girl getting pregnant via her coach.

 

Look: Battle Athletes is a weird show, we all already knew this. But there's a point where the weird enters the realm of the superweird, and that's just not something I'm friendly with. I mean, this is probably the third time I've said this, but I'm seriously starting to yearn for some of that Zero-G Lacrosse right about now. At least then the only thing we had to deal with was blue haired people from Mercury. Sure, Mercury people are pretty weird. But are they any more weird than the pseudo-lesbian love triangle on your left? Probably not. About the only really manageable part of the finale to this show is the return of some pretty likable characters. My personal favorite, Ichino, is back and it's nice to see that some things remain the same. Sports loser Anna returns to the field as a backup athlete and, surprise surprise, never sees the light of day. I think this is because nobody played any soccer. The only time people who are crappy at sports can play is when there's a goal to defend (or a sister to brutalize).

 

What I've taken a few hundred words to say is, basically, I wish they'd never made these last few episodes. In episode 22, when everyone had learned about all they could about 'the power of the heart' and 'the sacred light of victory' and one character leaves to become a priestess and the other is crying their eyes out and then it's suddenly okay 'cause they know they're always gonna have what they shared back when they were running that stupid hundred meter dash at the end of the greatest tournament the world had ever known. Look, I'm not gonna shun an opportunity to revisit the blind super priest, but I really don't think this is the kind of show that necessitates a final four episodes. Especially not when it involves aliens that aren't even smart enough to just kill the people they're trying to invade. WhatEVER! There are morals to be learned here, I'm sure, but I liked it better when it was just a tournament. Does everything have to boil down to saving the world every time?

Taking a cue from the Pokemon, I've decided to spice up these reviews for the reader back home. So, enjoy the "incomprehensible athletic maneuver" of every disc of Battle Athletes Victory with me, and enjoy it in style! IAM #8: Tomoe Midoh's "Watch me run a 4000 relay all by myself like it was nothing, and that's not even what's most ridiculous about the ending of this show!" Obviously it's not enough that ridiculous aliens are intending to take over the world via a sport competition, or that these aliens cheat by making bio-mechanical organisms like car-women and submarine-women to effectively cheat in the competition, but they somehow have the technology to resurrect/clone the greatest athlete the world has ever known to compete in the athletic competition. And not only that, but she's still spry enough to run a four thousand meter race all by herself after doing every OTHER event by herself too? Hey Battle Athletes Victory. WHAT THE HELL?!