Battle Athletes Victory #6: Willpower Pioneer 65 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 10/19/1999

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Ask me for an honest answer about why updates have been returning to their normal, totally infrequent and useless style. I'll probably tell you that it's because I'm useless when it comes down to any kind of regular schedule that doesn't net me money (and even then it's kind of 50-50). But if you didn't stipulate that I was to give you the truth then I'd weave you a beautiful Shakespearean-tale, wherein my downfall started when my laptop refused to play anything more than the first five minutes of Battle Athletes Victory #6. So, if you're happy with me lying then I have no complaints with that. Truth be told I have no one to blame but myself for falling out of rhythm, but Battle Athletes Victory seems like just as likely a candidate for scapegoating as anything else would. This is not to say that there's something suddenly wrong it with it, but my DVD drive is a fickle fellow and Bare's disc doctor was nowhere to be found. One might argue that I didn't have to watch this next, but I think we all know that's about as much of a lie as the one I'm weaving right now.

 

'And why is that?', you might ask. Well, the answer is to be found as simply as looking to your right. Yes, if I can't get my daily dose of pseudo-lesbian love in a way that only the animated medium can provide then I'm not a happy camper. Believe me, it's been awhile since I've seen this show and I was just as surprised as you would be when I found the titular characters of Akari and Kris making out with only a brief mention of "transferring the power of the spirits" as any kind of excuse as to why they were totally locking lips. The way it transpired on the screen might've been a little more benign than that, and the show might not have been trying to show us that it's not only okay, but totally awesome, when two chicks make out, but I don't think I'm qualified to make that sort of judgment call. When you watch the disc, dear reader, I'll leave that decision up to you, but for now I suggest you take my word for it. After all, precedent shows that Japan really has no qualms about depicting sixteen year old girls in all sorts of scandalous situations.

 

The excitement builds in the hearts of the competitors, if not the viewers, as the "great competition" starts to really heat up. I'm sorry that I said Zero-G lacrosse was a stupid sport, but I want to believe that there's still a sliver of truth to that statement. Thing is, when Battle Athletes Victory starts to get closer and closer to the end the events really just get stranger by the second. The quarterfinals? A rousing game of a Rock-Paper-Scissors. The semifinals? Please understand that I'm being totally candid with you here, AIR HOCKEY. Yes it's true, no, I am not kidding. The game popularized by greasy faced teenagers in smokey arcades now becomes the second most important game in the entire known universe. It's not even Zero-G Air Hockey! Don't let that get to you though. I still feel that this show has a few important morals to tell, regardless of the absolute insanity that's now entrenched in its system like some ridiculous cancer. So yeah, you might be a little put off by the sight of a major character riding a cow around while wailing about lost love, or maybe girls with hair the shape of airplane wings isn't really your thing... that's cool too, because it sure as hell isn't mine. I just thank my lucky stars that I'm not watching the original, because if we were the cowgirl would be dancing around naked and the airplane-girl would be... well, she couldn't really be worse off in the character design department than she is now, that'd be a Herculean effort.

 

As we move towards the finale of Battle Athletes Victory, things only seem to be speeding up and everything's going along swimmingly. Aside from some serious aggression on the part of the young Anna (to be mentioned later), fan favorite Mylandah is currently, and quite literally, ripping up the competition. This ties in nicely with a discussion I was having with the philosophizing Joel last night. Starting with a look at Ichi the Killer, I mentioned that I couldn't stand when people rooted for the bad guys in a movie. Exempla gratis, Kawajiri of Battle Royale. Now I find myself contradicting myself. Let's set down a new rule, it's stupid to root for the bad guy... unless it's a crazy animalistic chick with blue hair whose pants you'd like to get into. I know, I know, It's hard NOT to like a girl who spends her free time hanging naked by her feet and watching interviews with her arch-nemesis. Otherwise, though, I just don't get it... but I don't get a lot of things. You can find solace in the fact that both Mylandah Akar Walder and Larrhi Feldnunt will both be getting theirs in the coming disc, though I doubt the obsession this show has with referring to every character by their full name will show signs of waning anytime soon. It's sad, I know, but when the worst offenses Battle Athletes prescribes is some fake lesbian action and an love of people with long names, hey, I'm willing to cut it some slack.

Taking a cue from the Pokemon, I've decided to spice up these reviews for the reader back home. So, enjoy the "incomprehensible athletic maneuver" of every disc of Battle Athletes Victory with me, and enjoy it in style! IAM #6: Anna Resphigi's "JESUS CHRIST! What is wrong with that girl?" Now, I'm no psychologist, but I've seen enough late 80's/mid 90s Michael Douglas movies to know when a girl is just plain nuts and Anna Resphigi takes the cake and then some! Until now, Anna had been the character who sucked at every sport, or that's what one would assume anyway considering she was pigeonholed into the goalie position at every possible turn. All things considered, though, I can't honestly say this is a turn for the better for the young girl. When you absolutely have to bust your sister upside the head with a tennis ball and put her in intensive care, there's no power greater than Resphigi. She didn't boil any rabbits, at least...