Battle Athletes Victory #4: Spaceward Ho! Pioneer 65 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles 08/10/1999

Back To B Listings

When I first started Battle Athletes Victory, I hated it. You probably don't really care to know why, especially since I'm sure I made it clear when I talked in the first disc, but I'll just reiterate it for those who didn't quite catch it the first time. There was too much goofy crap going on. It kind of subsides in the fourth episode and then you don't have to deal with it in the second and third discs so everything's cool. But it just comes right back here and that's what really pisses me off, like they couldn't keep away from the "SO SILLY!" stuff and focus on the more important (and more interesting) plot. I'd blame Tanya, but I did that last time, so now I'll blame the addition of Kris Christopher (and the sickeningly weak-willed Anna). Kris Christopher, who has the best name in the known universe, is what I can only describe as a "crazy moon lesbian". Those of you who've watched the original show know Kris as a cocoon haired, wily "moon nudist". Thankfully, she's shed her obsession with baring her flesh. The only problem is that she's also lost most of her "reliable, rock of the show" aspect too. Kris is now comic relief, with these brief moments that make you feel like she's going to break through and stop being such a crappy character. 'But then what happens?' You ask me, noting the omenic tone to my voice. Well, first she starts to cry and then RIDES AROUND ON A FUCKING COW! What the hell?!

 

This is where some of you might recognize the OVAs starting, with the exact same students ready to get themselves into the space Olympics. And now that I've said that I promise to never mention that show again, as I am of the opinion that the less that show is mentioned, the better. Now that little groups of three girls have been gathered from all around the galaxies and they've all been shipped off to a giant spacestation, the (space) Olympics can begin! Only... they can't because we're only halfway through the show. In fact, I think at this point they aren't through even the prelims yet. Battle Athletes Victory is the only show I've ever that liberally disperses "'X' months later" messages and still feels like it's moving at a snail's pace. But, unlike other shows that might immediately turn me off to the idea, I am still 'down with that sort of thing'. 'That sort of thing' being the show, not the 'we'll get there when we get there' attitude. I'd like to think that, when watching this show the first time, I had the sinking suspicion that it could've been done in about six episodes. Oh, wait! They already did! Shamefully, though, I didn't think of anything of the sort because when I first watched this I was a total moron.

 

At least I was a total moron that really liked Battle Athletes though. I'm of the opinion that this show should be shown to all children growing up. That way, they'll see how hard the people on the space station have it growing up and maybe they'll shut up about having to do their weekly chores. In my "Scenario B" they all start to think that maybe going up into space or dragging a giant concrete roller behind them is a really good idea. End result? Less whiny little kids! Everyone wins! Except for the characters in the show, who have to deal with such on a constant basis. While Akari has certainly matured in the past few episodes, it would seem that every other character in the show is more than willing to pick up the slack for her. When teammate Anna isn't crying because someone made fun of her, she's busy hiding in a corner while teammate Kris semi-molests Akari in a way that makes me think very uncomfortable things about fifteen year old girls. The story of doubt and conflict and faith in yourself is there, and I really like that part of the show. On another note there were no moments that made me feel like crying in front of a group of people in the school library, so hooray for letting the show hang on to my masculinity for another day. Seriously though, it's just the rest of the stuff in the show that has to go away right now.

 

You want to know why? I'll tell you. I didn't like Akari when she was a wuss and complaining about everything. And, as such, I like it even less when there's TWO Akari-Juniors running around bawling all the time while the real Akari starts throwing basketballs at them for being such babies (okay, I liked that part, but only just a little). Fortunately, things stop being so crazy and weird near the end and everyone gets what they deserve. Everyone except for Tanya which, in her case, is a bullet. And I get what I deserve, which is badass violin riffs while girls from Mercury play Zero-G dodgeball. If you're surprised by this, don't be. It's been a long time since I even attempted to try to puzzle out any of the sense in this. This is the show where no matter WHAT happens it's always crazy! The internal logic of it all is reaching a tautologistic level. Whatever they throw at you, ridiculous terrorists or armored gym coaches who feast on chocolate bars to stay alive, you're basically required to understand that nothing's allowed to make sense in this show, whether the situation is one that allows for levity or its not. This is something I have a very hard time doing. I would suggest that future releases of this show come with a disclaimer regarding such, one that you have to sign and return to TV Tokyo before you're allowed to watch it. That seems like the only safe way to do it. In the world of Battle Athletes Victory it will either rain, or not rain. Every single time.

Taking a cue from the Pokemon, I've decided to spice up these reviews for the reader back home. So, enjoy the "incomprehensible athletic maneuver" of every disc of Battle Athletes Victory with me, and enjoy it in style! IAM #4 : Grant Oldman's "Space...Rocket...FIST!" Voiced by the indefatigable David Lucas, Headmaster Oldman shows that he's a force to be reckoned with. While some of the previous "IAMS" might've been a little underwhelming, this one certainly shows that they're coming back in true style. Whenever there's a spaceship threatening to crash and burn, destroying the lives of countless young girls, Grant Oldman will be there. With nothing but his gnarled fists of space-fury, he treads the line between life and death. With only one hand he'll stop a rampaging cow while his other culls the souls of a thousand unexplored galaxies and snuffs them out without a second thought. The man, the myth, the legend: Grant Oldman.