Grappler Baki: The Ultimate Fighter CPM 45 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles Released: 12/01/1998 Reviewed: 09/20/2005

Back To B Listings

Listen to Dave and Joel talk about this show! (right click to save)

Nostalgia is a funky, funny thing. To be fair, you can't exactly call virulent hate for something 'nostalgia', but I'm willing to make the exception if you are. Generally the term is used to describe fluffy, warm, fuzzy memories. They might be unfounded, clouded by the expanse of time, but nostalgia implies something that you look upon with some sort of fondness. Take, for example, my oft mentioned Bubblegum Crisis addiction, a case of nostalgia gone awry if there ever was one. But you've heard me say time and time again about how many "Grand Mal" mangas and "Complete Vocal Collection" CDs I own. No need to retread the beaten path. My nostalgia for Grappler Baki takes a wholly different route, a position that its creators would not look fondly upon me for holding. Some time ago, many years now, I sat down in my room late one night and devoured this awful OVA in the twilight hours before I had to stumble out to work. At 3:00 in the morning I found those 3/4 of an hour all but unbearable. When Joel and I sat down to watch Grappler Baki: The TV Show I imagined that the TV show would have to be at least a little better than this stinky refuse. But it had been a long time since I'd actually watched it. Would my long standing hatred make good on its beliefs?

Apparently Baki Hanma is coming to get you. He's still just a white belt, yet he manages to kick everyone's ass with little-to-no effort. He knows your moves before you do them, hell, he knows your moves before you DECIDE to do them. You take the first swing and your done for. Baki has this kooky plan to learn the styles of every martial artist around the world. He keeps pictures of his soon-to-be opponents on his wall and crosses their faces out with a magic marker with every victory. The only problem is that now Baki's going up against one scarily effeminate dude and this time all the bravado in the world might not be enough to save him. For a 45 minute fighting OVA there's a ridiculous amount of build up, clocking in at over 50% of the run time. At least six or seven times they freeze frame on a person's face and show their name across the screen like they're gonna be an important character. This is not the case, some of the barely have more than two or three spoken lines before they're banished to the land of forgotten OVA characters. I'd imagine the creators were just wise to the fact that their prospective audience wasn't all that bright. They must've figured some cue cards with funny pictures on it would've greatly enhanced their viewing experience.

And while Baki is kissing the fists of every opponent he meets, his mom/niece/aunt is talking with his cousin/sister/girlfriend in the kitchen of what is presumably their home. I wouldn't be able to tell you anything definitively, as they get all of fifteen seconds on screen, but I think that's as close as anyone's liable to get. It's as if they really wanted this to be a longer running show but said "Hey, nobody's ever going to watch more than three episodes anyway, let's just make one and run to America where the women are fat and rich." Fat and rich they are, but when your only claim to fame is Baki the Grappler, then I don't know if you're gonna do well in the obese millionaires market. Better luck next time, Toshiro! Now Baki's up against the Cord Cutter, Kosho Shinogi. What is cord cutting? It's a technique involving pulling someone's nerves out and severing them with your fingertips. It's not possible, true, and graphically displayed as very icky. Kosho, true to the stereotype, is a very mean effeminate looking guy. In Japan it's just about impossible to be evil without being pretty. Characters like Kirishima of Battle Royale, Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII, and Vicious of Cowboy Bebop prove my point splendidly, I think. Kosho trumps all these things by a mile, starting with his wavy red hair and ending with that ridiculous purple lipstick.

These two warriors meet in the fifth subbasement of the Tokyo Dome, wherever that is, to compete in an unsanctioned match. I hope you won't hate me, but Baki wins, despite having the nerves in his right arm and right eye severed. Post-fight his nerves are repaired just-like-that and he's talking to Kosho, who's suddenly congratulating him on his victory and not at all acting like the ridiculously cruel and evil man who blinded someone just for getting in his way. Grappler Baki wastes no time on things like making sense or having an interesting story. It's too busy introducing ridiculous characters like The Cord Cutter and spending five or ten minutes at a time with positively boring exposition. Obviously nobody would understand the secret ultimate fighting tournaments if they weren't aware of every single little detail of where and how the match took place. When you watch Bloodsport they don't tell you anything beyond the fact that it's taking place in Hong Kong, because that would take time away from VanDamme's PHAT KICKS. I guess my "nostalgia" was spot on this time. There's no idle fantasies of girls in robot armor jumping around shooting lasers at each other. My memories of Grappler Baki are nothing but cold, hard fact. It sucks, and five years isn't gonna change that.