Battle Athletes #1:
On Your Mark

Pioneer

75 minutes
English/Japanese
English Subtitles
12/29/1998

Back To B Listings

You know what, I don't get it... I just don't get it. How could something like this have spawned what I consider one of the better shows out on the market today? Yes, it's true, the Battle Athletes OVA is the precursor to my much beloved Battle Athletes Victory and that makes me more angry than I think you could ever possibly comprehend. I was considering in this review just writing "I fucking hate this show," and leaving it at that but, no, that's for another certain special world.

Come with me into the realm of the worst show ever, complete with worst dub bastardization ever! The show starts at about the midway point of Victory, only it picks it up in a crappy way with a crappy narration beforehand. 2015, everyone on Earth is at war with each other, then there's a huge catastrophe like there always is, then the aliens attack and Earth unites. This goes on for awhile, but nobody dies because they fight with unmanned fighters! Eventually it's decided that the fate of the world will be decided with an athletics competition. Sure, that's ridiculous, but that's how these shows go so I'm willing to give it a bit of leeway.


Like I said in my Victory review, what pisses me off is that the alien is like fifteen feet tall and all muscle, how can he possibly lose? I mean, it's like that show Animals vs. People, when the black guy raced against the zebra and the zebra totally kicked his ass by six lengths and then the guy complained that he got a false start, so they did it again and the zebra kicked his ass by FIVE lengths. You want to know why? Because he's a freaking ZEBRA! They're just better at these things, and a fifteen foot alien would be able to bound at least ten feet at a time. Forgive me, but I don't think even the "power of your heart" could be that.

But, as my former Sociology teacher might say, I transgress(?!). Battle Athletes is bad for more reasons than just a few logistical issues. First off everything is... different from it's 'sequel'. Maybe I'd like it more if I'd seen it first, but I pray to god that's not true. All the character designs are total trash, most especially the blue-haired psycho Mylandah and the butch Lahrri. Let me tell you, this is about the only case in recorded history where I have nothing good to say about someone wearing a choker, she's wearing LL Cool J pants for Christ's sake! (And I don't mean FUBU!)

 

And that makes me sad. But what makes me even MORE sad is how hacked and murdered this dub is. I mean, the original content is nothing to write home about, but at least if I was listening to the sub I'd never be able to say I'd heard the line "Just being here makes my nipples hard". Take a break and think about that for a moment. ........ Okay, ready? WHAT THE FUCK?! I mean, did I accidentally put one of Kyle's DVDs in and now I'm watching schoolgirl-athlete-lusty-tentacle-bondage-cest? No, such is not the case, but that doesn't matter right now, because my ears have be spoiled and I'm going to have to remove my sense of hearing... manually

Not just because of THAT either. When the girls in the aren't talking about how hard their nipples are, or how they're going to wet themselves, they're doing it in a SOUTHERN ACCENT. When they're not doing it in a Southern accent they're freaking VALLEY GIRLS!!! Listen, I know Tanya's about as borderline offensive as you can get but the girl's from Africa, not Southern California. Why do people need accents at all? Why not just have them all be, I don't know, freaking normal?!

 

Finally, Mylandah talks way too much. Dude, she's the crazy strong, silent type. She should just cause trouble and we'll leave it at that. Isn't that what good feral sociopaths do? Yes. They get what they want and don't form any bonds. Fuck you Japan, stop killing the memories of one of my favorite shows! I mean, when some random chick in the opening is the best character design in the show, then maybe you should be realizing that you've got a problem or two. And Kris has way too much of a desire to get naked! Here's a hint Japan, nudity is not funny, ever.

The only compliment I can give is that the soundtrack contains some of the best instrumental tracks I've ever heard. Triumphant music, pulse pounding music. This stuff almost makes up for that fact that Kris Christopher's fight in low gravity almost seem cool (It still sucks though, don't worry). This is the kind of stuff that can make even Zero G Lacrosse seem interesting, it's just a shame that the whole show isn't a montage, because then it might actually good. Not so much good, as bearable. At least I wouldn't have to hear any forced Southern accents.