Armitage III:
Poly-Matrix Animation
Pioneer
90 minutes
English Language Only
10/14/2000
|
|
Armitage III:
Pioneer
|
|
|
And thusly the new college year has started, and with it Armitage. Only no, and not 'cause I watched this movie like a week ago and am only now just reviewing it. See how dedicated I am to you people? I don't think you'd understand at all. So here's a shout out to my new roommate Pete "The Pete" Sanchez and my house full of people who apparently all go to bed before midnight thus making it impossible for me to get into the damn house because I didn't know you needed a keycard, but not like it matters anyway because everyone's asleep and apparently "quiet hours" start at eight in the freaking PM. I could be a god in this place, I think. But Pete's a good guy and at least I probably won't have to hear a repeat of the "I'm not gonna get naked, you get naked," bit from HIM. Because that would just plain suck. No offense to my buddy Pete, of course. So things are starting out slow, as well they should. And I'm proud to say that I went through my first day of classes without sleeping in any of them, and I'm not going to say it WASN'T because of the scary Irish guy I have for Crime Theory that threatened use with rather large (and painful!) penalties should we decide that sleeping in class is a good idea. Hah! Like that stopped me last year! And what is a scary Irish fellow like? If you ask me, he's like an out of control robot. We wouldn't be able to suppress his rage, nor should we want to try. Such things are beyond human control. And that's how the situation is getting on Mars too. |
|
 |
Armitage the Third isn't just the story of a robot, but it's the story of her partner. Or is that the other way around? Well, listen here. There's this guy Ros Sylibus, he's voiced by Keifer Sutherland of recent fame in that TV show 24.** He's fresh to Mars from the Chicago PD. Seems a little bad hoodoo went down there involving some robots and his partner. End result? My man Sylibus hates robots. This guy is like my long lost brother. For what it's worth I don't trust any robot with sentience. And for that matter any robot that isn't directly and completely controlled by a human pilot. If you think any differently you're a fucking bot lover and you deserve to rot in hell. Seriously, what's wrong with you? But anyway, like I said, the movie's not about robots, or partners, or Detective Sylibus' internal conflict as he's injured and his both is replaced with synthetic parts, making him more like the robots he's hated so much since that one fateful day. It's not about the fact that the best dub actor ever, Mike Reynolds, has his largest speaking role ever in this movie. It's not even about Naomi Armitage's short shorts and tits all hanging out everywhere. And even though I wish it was, it's not about the collar she wears around her neck that looks fucking hot as shit and makes me semiseriously consider a life exploring bondage. |
|
You should probably disregard that though, not like I'm into the kinky whips and leather and shit. And I'm hoping Armitage isn't either, but she's seriously like a prepackaged portion of fetish-girl lite and it's kinda scary at times. Even worse she'd probably rather poop down your throat that give you some of that sweet sweet robo-poonany. (Know to Andrew as "plastic pussy") Which brings up the question, do robots poop? I bet even acclaimed Japanese author Taro Gomi couldn't answer that! It's just one of those things you really should want to know. But apparently the Japanese have no reservations about imagining who poops and why, even though it's illegal to show even the slightest hint of "bush" in Japan. That's a country with its moral compass pointing in the right direction. But who is Naomi Armitage? She's a 4'6 heap of bad girl in hot pants and mirror shades. I mean, seriously. I took that screen shot at the right for a reason. She's a tiny troublemaker who doesn't take no for an answer, and the director wastes no time showing you this as soon as possible by having her foil a bank robbery by running the robbers over with a motorbike. All this to a hip techno/jazz soundtrack! Well, she's a hardass unless she's giggling like a schoolgirl due to some unexplained change of heart halfway through the movie. |
|
 |
And she'll giggle alright. She'll cajole, hoot, holler, what have you. When Armitage isn't being a badass she's like a freakin' kitten and it feels like the damn change comes too readily. Bam! Take that evil robot tank! Now it's time for ice cream sundaes!** All in all though it's a good watch just because there's robots and most of them blow up. If that's not a recipe for success then I don't know what is. Armitage's one biggest problem is that it's animation quality drops once and awhile during the broader shots. I'm hoping this review is gonna make you people understand that I choose these screenshots with a certain purpose in mind. Sometimes they're humorous, sometimes they contain an outrageous hottie, sometimes they're just plain retarded and sometimes, maybe sometimes, they'll show something drastically wrong with the show. And much like Venus Wars I try to save those things for last because, well... I've run out of things to talk about two paragraphs ago anyway. You want to know something? Fifty minutes is unbearably long when you're not allowed to sleep through it. |
