Angel Links #1: Avenging Angel Bandai 100 minutes English/Japanese English Subtitles Released: 04/17/2001 Reviewed: 10/04/2005

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Titties. Titties. Titties. Dragon.

There. Consider yourself blessed. You've just watched an entire episode of Angel Links. Oh yeah, the story blathers on and on about space pirates and cargo companies and orphanages, but the main thrust of the show is that Meifon Li, the main character, has enormous breasts. A tributary from that is also that she's sixteen years old. I guess those are the two things that really get the anime-watching public going these days. But the real clincher here is Meifon's pet rat/cat/bat Taffei. Not only does Taffei live in her cleavage, which is absolutely insane as-is, but in times of danger the cat-bat jumps out at Meifon's command and TURNS INTO A SWORD. I watched this show a few years ago, but I had somehow forgotten that piece of patently retarded trivia. Needless to say I felt the familiar sensation of fresh bile filling my throat the moment I realized what was happening. I mean, the rat-bat jumping out and glowing all shiny was worrisome enough, but seeing it transform brought my illness to a new level. What practical purpose is there for having a pet that can change itself into a sword? Maybe in like... 1105 A.D. or something, when a sword was actually somewhat practical. In the future, I don't know if you know this, but lots of people have these things called guns. They seem to be pretty effective.

Not that it matters. The show also sees fit to slap a sword into the gigantic scaly hands of Duuz the Dragonite, pictured left. In the world of Angel Links people can get away with doing just about anything they want in a combat situation. This is because your opponents will be so stunned by how genuinelyretarded your maneuvers are that they will have no option but to sit and stare, slack-jawed, at your assailants. No matter how out-there the good guy's plan of attack is it always succeeds. At one point the characters are surrounded by armed men. Instead of shooting at the first sign of trouble, these so-called "guards" are more content to watch as Duuz breaks into a run, closes the ten feet of distance between himself and the leader, shoulder checks the leader, disarms the leader, and kicks the gun across the floor to MEIFON (for some reason). The brigands then wait very patiently for Meifon to kneel down, scoop up the pistol and shoot a few of them before the company makes their quick escape. During the whole affair, which must be nearly a minute of "action", I don't think a single guard gets a shot off. This is not a rare occurrence. In the third episode the bad guys have the wherewithal to start shooting at Duuz halfway through his bum rush, but by then he's put his sword in front of his face and, as we all know, swords magically attract (and reflect) all bullets, leaving the wielder completely invulnerable to all attacks aimed in their direction. Maybe they're distracted by all the breasts. I don't know.

Somewhere along the way we're told that the Links Group was formed at the bequest of Meifon's dead grandfather, who wanted a free protection service for cargo shipping companies. I guess that's great, but I'd like to see the size of the trust fund that allows for interstellar warships to travel back and forth across the galaxy, blowing up everything that remotely resembles a hostile vessel. If they have the money to do that I would instead offer this alternative: Offer every pirate in the universe a hundred thousand bucks to stop being a jerk. It's gotta be cheaper than shooting off a thousand missiles every time a chunk of asteroid looks at you wrong! If every single pirate in the galaxy accepted you'd probably still come out ahead and then you wouldn't have to do any work! You'd just have to sit back and collect your fat paycheck. Angel Links lost me right about when it said that the captain of the spaceship was a sixteen year old girl (with enormous breasts), but it's not like the rest of the show makes sense either. The action scenes are pathetic, as indicated, but it's not like the plot and characters were exactly forged from sterling silver. There's a weasely old guy who works for another protection company that seems to alternatively hate/cooperate with Meifon. There's nonsensical comic relief characters that shoot bazookas at each other without a single wound or ounce of collateral damage. There's a 60 second spaceship takeoff scene that just has to be recycled every episode. There's so much that's so awful about this show that I can't even bring it into one coherent thought. And, no matter what, it all keeps coming back to those breasts... those awful breasts.