Agent AIka #1 :
Naked Missions


50 minutes
English Subtitles
Released: 03/13/2001
Reviewed: 05/17/2005

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The human person is full of complex emotions. I've built every relationship I've ever experienced with a woman byhating their personalities but loving the sweet, sweet sexual proclivities that occur after a protracted evening of wining and dining on my pathetic credit card. I would suffer through a vicious 2x4 beating if someone promised me $50 on the other end of it. I frequently eat Taco Bell or White Castle without a second thought to the dire consequences that might befall me and my bladder in the hours to come.

So, with that in mind, would someone like me be able to sit through schlock like sitting through Agent AIka for the third time? Like my average pyromaniac date, the show is so appallingly bad it goes without saying, but somehow nuggets of good manage to sneak themselves in with the flaming wreckage that was once my bedside table. Apparently I could weather the storm a once more, but only because I spent a good amount of the time vacuuming and reinstalling windows. If that wasn't the case I'm sure it would be a whole different ball game.

Aika Sumeragi is in a position that isn't uncommon to anime heroes. She's part of a floundering business staffed by a well meaning boss and his dorky, bespectacled daughter. This business happens to be the salvage of ancient artifacts from sunken ruins. See in Aika's world the Earth is mostly covered in water, though we're not really told why or how. That doesn't really matter, because the whole "salvagers" thing is just a setup for a bunch of maids(?!) to get into a fist fight. The fight scene, if you ignore the fact that it's a groupn of women in latex maid outfits twirling around and baring their panties, is actually a pretty well choreographed 60 seconds of animation!

Too bad a feat like that is too herculean for someone even as stalwart as I am. And sometimes I eat rocks sometimes... for no reason at all!

These maids obviously slacked off during their business classes, because it's revealed that their true intention was to attract Aika to a very special salvage contract out in the middle of the ocean. When Aika gets there, the head maid is too busy whipping her bondaged up subordinates to come say hello, so she lets her anti-aircraft do the talking. After Aika's plane suffers critical damage the only way she can be saved is if her magical bustier manually rapes her and somehow turns her into a reject from Magic Knight Rayearth. When it's done getting its jollies off it finds the time to help her land the plane safely.

And there's a wonderful metal deep beneath the earth that this effeminate guy really wants for some reason, so he's recruited his incestuous sister and a cadre of war-minded housekeepers (with too-short skirts) to help him in his quest. He also molests Aika while he explains his secret plot. The entire story of this show is the most elaborate vehicle I've ever seen to get to such a simplistic goal. Couldn't Aika just have started out naked on the ship with all the maids and we could've saved 25 minutes of drawling along in parking garages and airplanes? These shows know their end-all be-all is panties. Why bother with the semantic banter?

Thinking back on the skeleton plot to end all skeleton plots, the fist fight is probably the highlight of the entire show. Aika whirls and flips while the nurses come from all sides, some attacking with a Chun-Li sort of grace. With the utmost precision, Aika dispatches the motley crew of vinyl-clad hotel workers using only her fists of fury and a rather intimidating cattle prod. From this day forward there's only one thing I care about seeing in anime: Scantily clad women getting electrocuted. Everything else is tertiary to my desires as an anime fan.

The only thing irritating about this show (besides the panties) is that it contains stuff that's positively enamoring. I mean, look at Aika! Look at that hair! That is a hot character design. And she's a cool character too. She's got moves, she's got fashion sense, she's driven. She's hardly your standard bend-over girl despite the fact that this series is so cheesecake it pains me (in my no-no places). Her arch rival/would-be lover Gust Turbulance (YES!! BEST NAME EVER!!) also appeals to me, though I think that this is primarily due to Alvaro Gonzalez's portrayal of him with this utterly ridiculous accent. I've always had a soft spot for a tough girl in a suit and the meathead guy that won't take no for an answer. I just wish the two of them would end up in something bearable for once.