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I've hit kind of a slump in my game playing time recently. It's tough, but on occasion one decides that the ability to eat, use their form of transportation and live in a world that contains the basic necessities of electricity and gas power is more important than killing swarms of invading aliens or zombies. While it's true that there's usually nothing I'd rather be doing, unless the invading force is comprised of both aliens and zombies then my stomach insists that the $2.25 case of Manchuran Ramen is a better buy. However, I did have a brief time where I wasn't breaking my back writing ten page paper after ten page paper where I could absorb the new release of Paper Mario 2 for that beautiful Nintendo Gamecube machine of mine that's basically been collecting dust since Viewtiful Joe came out last year. It was a cathartic experience for myself and Gamecube alike and I think we're both better for it, despite the somewhat lackluster qualities of the game.. |
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After beating a video game I tend to have a brief fixation where I'll troll the GameFAQs message board for any information I may've missed out. You know, the general stuff, secrets and ultimate combinations and the like, all the fun things that designers throw in with five minutes left in the development cycle to extend the playability of their game. These boards are where, much to my chagrin, I was hit with a lightning bolt from god itself. You might remember that last time I detailed disturbing trends of obsession and fascination among fans, here it gets just a little worse (as if that were possible). See, the little purple blob thing you see above becomes one of Mario's companions during the course of the game. She's a cute little ectoplasmic ghost that likes to spend her time disappearing into thin air and committing hilarious pratfalls. Apparently the GameFAQs message board has developed quite an infatuation with this little ghostly gal with all the wonderful *fap fap fap*s and "I GOTTA BONER" stuff ensues in that kind of discussion.
Already this is a little disconcerting. Allow me to detail why:
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1) She looks like (and is meant to be) a young girl.
So already you're having fantasies about a twelve year old? That's
messed up without any other qualifiers. I'm willing to believe it. See that foxy little lady to your left? Anyone familiar with the curious mythos of Final Fight knows that Poison and her tangerine haired twin Roxy are indeed packing some serious heat in their daisy dukes. For whatever reason, past precedent shows that Japanese have a strange sort of affection for guys that pretend to be ladies. |
So people who profess their curious love of the little spectral gal are indeed obsessing over a little girl who is really a guy who shares only the basest qualities of a human being. This is marginally equivalent to me saying "Yes, I am in love with this six month old Saint Bernard cub". That'd probably be one of the weirdest thing you'd ever hear, yet there's a whole subculture of video game players who think that it's absolutely fine and dandy to profess masturbation fantasies about this non-human, underage, transvestite character to people they've never even met.
When I was a kid I sort of had the hots for Poison, I've always been in kind of a punk rock mindset when it comes to the ladies. A girl that wears a police cap can do no wrong in my mind. This obsession kind of petered off when I figured out that there were indeed real girls out there and they could be convinced to give me real sexual favors provided I put in some modicum of effort. Big boys don't need to express to an entire internet full of strangers how they'd like to deposit their man-seed deep in a video game character's polygonic womb. Anyway, the obsession really petered off when I discovered that Poison was indeed holstering a pretty mean gun. There's some boundaries that just don't need to be crossed.
| Yet people do this willingly every day!
Thinking about Vivian the Ghost in any kind of sexual manner is not
only weird, it's outright circus freakshow bizarre. Despite this very
cogent point, this community seems to have no compunctions about voicing
their homosexual, pedophilic preferences to the whole wide world via
the amazing power of the internet. Instead of spending their time
inventing rocket ships or ninja hover cars they commit to the annals
of time their obsession with little anthropomorphic ghost girl-boys.
I have a serious conviction that these people are 90% of what's wrong with the gaming world today. Forget cheaters and lamers and people who use the laser sniper rifle to kill three guys in a line as they spawn for the fourth time in a row. When you log off at night they're gone. They might never bother you again! But these people, these strange, awful people, don't disappear when you turn off your monitor. Tomorrow you'll go back to the message board and they're detail how they want to get into the ghost's pants. Only the ghost doesn't have pants! If she did they'd be filled with a log the likes of which you've never seen. |
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