Index / Cooking
  SPECIAL: Attack of the Extraneous Thanksgiving
 

The Piece of the Resistance!
Yam and Collard Green Risotto

6 large size yams
8 cups unsalted chicken stock
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 clove garlic, minced
1 bunch collard greens
1 onion
2 cups Arborio or Carnaroli rice
4 ounces mozzarella
1 ounce aged Asiago cheese
Freshly ground pepper

Lots of crazy people have thoughts that you can magically put Yams in the oven and bake them soft. I would suggest that you either cook them in the microwave or boil them on the stove. When they're nice and done put 'em all in the blender and slowly add chicken stock until you've got a nice, creamy consistency. Transfer the puree to a small saucepan and heat it slowly. When it is hot, whisk in the butter and set aside. Keep warm.

In a medium saute pan do what you do when you sautee (garlic and oil!) and start lumping in your colalrd greens, which you should have rinsed and tore up. Cook until they're so green that you feel your eyes might be removed from your sockets merely by looking at them. Keep warm.

In a saucepan, heat the remaining stock until it is steaming but not boiling. Keep hot.

In another saucepan, heat heat yet more oil. Add your onion (well chopped!) and cook until they're nice and ready. Add the rice, stirring vigorously (avoid burning!) , and cook until it begins to turn a milky white, about 5 minutes. Now start slowly adding your stock to the mixture, a cup at a time, waiting until it's all absorbed by the rice until you add more. In 15 minutes or so your rice will be soft as a baby's bottom. This is all you need.

Next add the yam puree, stirring until it has coated all of the rice. Add the collard greens and the mozzarella. Stir until the cheese has melted. Divide the risotto among individual bowls or plates, and top each one with grated Asiago and a little freshly ground pepper. Serve immediately, because if you don't then it's just not risotto!

Superior Southwestern Turkey-style

2 tablespoons paprika
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
2 tablespoons water
A turkey (duh!)

Prepare your turkey as normal, but instead of rubbing it with something boring like salt or pepper (you will use both salt and pepper) "kick it up a nawtch" by making a dangerous combination that looks uncomfortably like recent bowel excretions... but tastes like something much more divine!

Mix paprika, ground cumin, cinnamon, salt and pepper in a small bowl then stir in 2 tablespoons water to make a paste. Rub the mixture all over the turkey and cook it as you normally would.

Dangerously delectable Tequila Gravy

2 14-ounce cans chicken broth
3 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup tequila (don't overdo it!)
Pepper to taste

Combine 1/2 cup chicken broth and flour in a small bowl and whisk like you've never whisked before.

Then sneak the drippings from the turkey and the tequila into the saucepan, bringing it to a slow boil as you whisk in the flour and chicken broth mixture. More or less broth may be added, depending on your preference for thickness, but a wise man would avoid adding too much tequila. It could spell disaster!

Butter-tastic biscuits!

2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
(at least) 4 tablespoon Parmesan cheese, grated
1/2 cup Crisco
3/4 cup milk
Wax Paper
4 tablespoons butter, melted
In a bowl, sift together flour, salt, baking powder, and cream of tartar. You might not know what cream of tartar is (we certainly did not!) but you can be assured that is an essential ingredient in the baking of delicious breaded products. Stir in grated your grated parmesan cheese. Cut in shortening, which is something silly you have to do with two knives. You should make Joel do that. Stir in milk and moisten flour mixture.

The real fun begins when you plop the dough onto floured wax paper and pat the dough out into a rectangle. Cut out biscuits. Dip the biscuits in melted butter and arrange in a 9-inch round cake pan. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes.

The Traditional Fan-service.org Stuffing Spectacular

1/4 cup butter
1 chopped onion and 2 or 3 stalks celery
2 cups chicken broth
1 Cornbread (broken up)
1/4 teaspoon oregano
2 cans (4 oz ea.) diced green chiles
1 can (16 oz) corn
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/2 cup chopped pecans
We make the same stuffing every year, and there's a reason for this. It's more delectable that a karate bout between two dangerous monkies in space. I'm sure you can imagine how fun that is, but if you can't... well just make the stuffing and imagine that the monkies would be LESS fun!

After having prepared your delicious cornbread via this recipe, destroy it by crumbling it up. Heat your oven to 350. Cook your onion and celery in a frying pan for awhile, then add the broth, chiles, oregano, paprika, salt, pepper. Let it simmer for awhile before adding your cornbread and pecans. Let it dry out a little bit before spooning the concoction into your baking dish. Slip it into the oven for 30 minutes. The rest is up to you!

Cravorific Cranberry Sauce!

1 pound fresh cranberries
4-5 teaspoons sugar
Salt and pepper to taste

We'll cheat again just one more time and use a recipe that's a proven favorite.

It's really quite simple. Take a sauce pan and put a cup or two of water in it, along with maybe four or five teaspoons of sugar. More if it's to your taste, I don't know what you crazy sweet tooths out there like. Stir it up until the sugar's dissolved. Now supply yourself with that nice pound of fresh cranberries and dump them all in. Simmer five minutes or so, they'll pop. Remove, drop in a blender and blend it up. Puree on five seconds will give you satisfying results, as long as you keep the top on the blender so as to reduce the dangers of spillation. Sprinkle with delicious salt and pepper. Don't crap everything else up while you're at it and you'll have a great extraneous Thanksgiving, much unlike the fan-service.com crew!

Mutated Mashed Potatoes!

Potatoes
Milk
Butter
Salt

If you don't know how to make potatoes then you suck.

But here's a tip for people who suck: creamy is better, chop the potatoes so they boil faster, and leave the skins on because they add a certain texture that is beyond reproach.

STILL "Too good to eat" Pumpkin Pie!

1 pie crust of an arbitrary size
1 1/2 cups pumpkin pie mix
1/2 cup maple syrup
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup milk
4 eggs
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Pastry Maple Leaves for decoration

Heat pumpkin puree in a heavy pan, stirring frequently. As things go on start to slowly stir in your milk and cream until everything's smooth. You want a nice little bit of heat, but you don't want it to boil.

Beat together your eggs with sugar and maple sugar, then in goes the spices and, eventually, flour and maple syrup. Combine all these with your goofy little puree concoction and pour that into your pumpkin crust, which you will now set in the oven at an arbitrary amount of time (~30 minutes) at 400 degrees. Your pie will maintain a wonderfully creamy texture that will be good for weeks and weeks to come!

Also too good to eat Traditional English Apple Cider Pie!

One more arbitary pie crust
2 1/2 cups apple cider
3 tart apples
4 Golden Delicious apples
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground mace
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons lemon juice
Oatmeal
Brown sugar

After your apples have been peeled, cored, and thinly chopped, throw them right into a bowl and start dashing ingredients around like there was no tomorrow. Flour, salt, sugar, cinnamon, mace. It doesn't matter! Just heap them into a bowl and mix to your heart's content.

When your heart's contented sprinkle some oatmeal and brown sugar on top, this will form your makeshift crust as, if you're anything like us, you decided that pies were made to magically fall from the sky with crusts already attached to them.

What a silly thing to think!


Oh Joel, you cad!
But really, please stop doing that.

I hate it when recipes outright lie to you. Do you really think you're fitting that many apples into a pie?
Because it's a THIRD of what the original recipe called for.

Don't worry. They found a home eventually!

Jerry was only too happy to resume his standard role as meat masticator.

But when it came down to it, that was a tough bird to cut!

And what's happening here?

Oh no! Poor milk!

Joel continues to put things in his mouth.

While Ben finds alternate ways to amuse himself.

But I just couldn't abide by his flagrant disrespect for potatoes.

No Ben! It's not time yet!

Greg quite effectively demonstrations the Master Chef "M.O."

See what I mean?

Operation: Butter was a colossal failure.

But the results were no less tantalizing!

I judiciously opted against putting the "worm" in our Tequila-based gravy.
The results were a little less than spectacular.

Hey you! Have a happy thanksgiving!


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