Lots of crazy people have thoughts that you can magically put Yams in the oven and bake them soft. I would suggest that you either cook them in the microwave or boil them on the stove. When they're nice and done put 'em all in the blender and slowly add chicken stock until you've got a nice, creamy consistency. Transfer the puree to a small saucepan and heat it slowly. When it is hot, whisk in the butter and set aside. Keep warm.

In a medium saute pan do what you do when you sautee (garlic and oil!) and start lumping in your colalrd greens, which you should have rinsed and tore up. Cook until they're so green that you feel your eyes might be removed from your sockets merely by looking at them. Keep warm.

In a saucepan, heat the remaining stock until it is steaming but not boiling. Keep hot.

In another saucepan, heat heat yet more oil. Add your onion (well chopped!) and cook until they're nice and ready. Add the rice, stirring vigorously (avoid burning!) , and cook until it begins to turn a milky white, about 5 minutes. Now start slowly adding your stock to the mixture, a cup at a time, waiting until it's all absorbed by the rice until you add more. In 15 minutes or so your rice will be soft as a baby's bottom. This is all you need.

Next add the yam puree, stirring until it has coated all of the rice. Add the collard greens and the mozzarella. Stir until the cheese has melted. Divide the risotto among individual bowls or plates, and top each one with grated Asiago and a little freshly ground pepper. Serve immediately, because if you don't then it's just not risotto!

Prepare your turkey as normal, but instead of rubbing it with something boring like salt or pepper (you will use both salt and pepper) "kick it up a nawtch" by making a dangerous combination that looks uncomfortably like recent bowel excretions... but tastes like something much more divine!

Mix paprika, ground cumin, cinnamon, salt and pepper in a small bowl then stir in 2 tablespoons water to make a paste. Rub the mixture all over the turkey and cook it as you normally would.

Combine 1/2 cup chicken broth and flour in a small bowl and whisk like you've never whisked before.

Then sneak the drippings from the turkey and the tequila into the saucepan, bringing it to a slow boil as you whisk in the flour and chicken broth mixture. More or less broth may be added, depending on your preference for thickness, but a wise man would avoid adding too much tequila. It could spell disaster!

The real fun begins when you plop the dough onto floured wax paper and pat the dough out into a rectangle. Cut out biscuits. Dip the biscuits in melted butter and arrange in a 9-inch round cake pan. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes.

After having prepared your delicious cornbread via this recipe, destroy it by crumbling it up. Heat your oven to 350. Cook your onion and celery in a frying pan for awhile, then add the broth, chiles, oregano, paprika, salt, pepper. Let it simmer for awhile before adding your cornbread and pecans. Let it dry out a little bit before spooning the concoction into your baking dish. Slip it into the oven for 30 minutes. The rest is up to you!

1 pound fresh cranberries
4-5 teaspoons sugar
Salt and pepper to taste

We'll cheat again just one more time and use a recipe that's a proven favorite.

It's really quite simple. Take a sauce pan and put a cup or two of water in it, along with maybe four or five teaspoons of sugar. More if it's to your taste, I don't know what you crazy sweet tooths out there like. Stir it up until the sugar's dissolved. Now supply yourself with that nice pound of fresh cranberries and dump them all in. Simmer five minutes or so, they'll pop. Remove, drop in a blender and blend it up. Puree on five seconds will give you satisfying results, as long as you keep the top on the blender so as to reduce the dangers of spillation. Sprinkle with delicious salt and pepper. Don't crap everything else up while you're at it and you'll have a great extraneous Thanksgiving, much unlike the fan-service.com crew!

Potatoes
Milk
Butter
Salt

If you don't know how to make potatoes then you suck.

But here's a tip for people who suck: creamy is better, chop the potatoes so they boil faster, and leave the skins on because they add a certain texture that is beyond reproach.

1 pie crust of an arbitrary size
1 1/2 cups pumpkin pie mix
1/2 cup maple syrup
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup milk
4 eggs
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Pastry Maple Leaves for decoration

Heat pumpkin puree in a heavy pan, stirring frequently. As things go on start to slowly stir in your milk and cream until everything's smooth. You want a nice little bit of heat, but you don't want it to boil.

Beat together your eggs with sugar and maple sugar, then in goes the spices and, eventually, flour and maple syrup. Combine all these with your goofy little puree concoction and pour that into your pumpkin crust, which you will now set in the oven at an arbitrary amount of time (~30 minutes) at 400 degrees. Your pie will maintain a wonderfully creamy texture that will be good for weeks and weeks to come!

One more arbitary pie crust
2 1/2 cups apple cider
3 tart apples
4 Golden Delicious apples
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground mace
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons lemon juice
Oatmeal
Brown sugar

After your apples have been peeled, cored, and thinly chopped, throw them right into a bowl and start dashing ingredients around like there was no tomorrow. Flour, salt, sugar, cinnamon, mace. It doesn't matter! Just heap them into a bowl and mix to your heart's content.

When your heart's contented sprinkle some oatmeal and brown sugar on top, this will form your makeshift crust as, if you're anything like us, you decided that pies were made to magically fall from the sky with crusts already attached to them.

What a silly thing to think!

I hate it when recipes outright lie to you. Do you really think you're fitting that many apples into a pie?
Because it's a THIRD of what the original recipe called for.

Jerry was only too happy to resume his standard role as meat masticator.

And what's happening here?

Joel continues to put things in his mouth.

But I just couldn't abide by his flagrant disrespect for potatoes.

I judiciously opted against putting the "worm" in our Tequila-based gravy.
The results were a little less than spectacular.