Originally this was intended to be an all-out Salmon BATTLE, but Jerry lost the now famous can of Keta Salmon and so, we only had one brand to work with. Thanks a lot, JERRY.

Chop the celery and onions very fine and sauté them in two tablespoons of butter. Give this job to someone you don't like (i.e.: Bare) because it is very boring and takes like twenty minutes. You'll thank me for that later.

While Bare is being bored, you have the job of draining your cans of salmon and throwing the contents (skin and all) into a bowl and adding the eggs (beaten) to it, letting them be absorbed by the salmon. Then add your celery, milk, bread crumbs and spices. Add bread crumbs, about 7-8 tablespoons, mix, and form into patties. (Alternatively, put salmon into patties first and roll them in the breadcrumbs). Place each patty in the frying pan and cook until golden brown on each side. Technically, you can bake instead of fry, but I find this to be a ridiculous way to go about things and nowhere near as delicious. Caveat emptor.

How could anything so disgusting going in turn into something so beautiful on the way out? Such is the miracle of life.

Two unfunny pictures though, that's just overdoing it.